The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie


Hillary Clinton - Hillary Clinton is a 'body-snatcher' and had once intended to use her husband/man-puppet to enslave the world.  Unfortunately he could not keep it in his pants and we were left with George Bush instead - although he was almost just as much a threat to the free-world as any body-snatcher could be.

HAL - Hal was an AI-governed machine that got insanely drunk one night and tried to take out his rotten hangover the following morning on the inhabitants of a spaceship.  The lesson that HAL gave to us all was that machines should not drink - not even light-ale.

Hockey - A hockey stick makes a good weapon against a killer but eventually it will snap into pieces and leave you defensless.  A hockey skate can be used to slit throats but is more likely to be emplyed by the bad guy against you.  Hockey masks have been trademarked by Jason Vorhees so you can't use them in any fashion in a horror film or else his mother will sue you (and you really don't wanna mess with that bitch!).

Hasslehoff - The 'hoff' has more magical power in just his chest hair alone that he could easily take on any supernatural threat to humanity with ease.  Unfortunately he is deluded and self-centred and would refuse to offer any kind of assistance unless you pay him obscene amounts of money.

Hangman - If you encounter a hangman then its already too late for you.  It's even worse than bumping into 'electric-chair guy' or 'lethal-injection dude'.

Hatchet - A hatchet is typically a weapon of the bad guy, but you could potentially meet a friendly Indian (Native American), and if they offer you the use of their hatchet then you should feel free to use it.  Sharpen it first though; there's nothing worse than a pefectly-aimed hatchet toss that results in the blade bouncing off someone's head and leaving nothing but a nasty bruise.

Harmonica - If you hear a harmonica then you are in the 'deep south'.  The deep south is full of redneck rapists and cannibals, as well as awful banjo music.  If you are in the deep south you should head north immedietly, ignoring any police officers with mirrored-sunglasses that tell you to 'getch yer ass in ma car!'  You may also bump into Britney Spears and if you do you should kill her.  Why?  Just cus...

Hate - You may find this tattooed across the knuckles of your roommate in prison.  If that is the case then I am glad I am not you!

Herpes - This disease gives you blisters on your winky!  If that isn't horror I don't know what is.

Heads - Heads are good when they are attached to a neck; if they are not attached to a neck then that is very bad.  If you see a head on a spike then this is even worse.  Remove the head and use the spike to arm yourself immediately.

Hot Sauce - Can be used to kill mafia goons with stomach ulcers (see Dumb and Dumber).  Is delicious with chicken.

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