The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie


Ghosts - Ghosts are dead people with a poor sense of direction.  Upon their deaths, instead of walking towards the blindingly obvious 'bright light' they wandered in the opposite direction and now wander the earth aimlessly.  Eventually becoming frustrated by their own stupidity, these disembodied spirits take out their anger on the living - especially familys that have just brought houses at unbelievable bargain prices.  If you see a five-bedroom Georgian mansion for sale at an ultra-low  price, hire an Exorcist first!

Gadafi - General Gadafi of Libya is one of the 'Crab People'.  An ancient race of crustaceon interlopers from the planet Soth Par.  He can be eliminated by boiling him alive and garnishing his remains with garlic butter.

Gatsby - Gatsby is a character from an old book that everyone tells you is a 'classic', but upon reading it you discover that it is a horrying example of snooty, high-brow, stodgy writing that nobody ever 'really' enjoys.  Avoid this book at all costs as it will make your eyes bleed.  Try reading The Shining; now that's a classic.

Ghoul - A ghoul is a bit like a zombie, except less dumb.  You can tell a ghoul by the pale, rotting skin, and an obsession with cheese doritoes.  If you are unsure whether or not a person is a ghoul, offer them a tube of pringles.  If they decline and moan the word 'Doooriiiitooooes!' they are most definately a member of the undead.

Germany - Home to nazi-zombies, nazi-vampires, nazi-werewolves, and nazi-demons.  Also: Pork Snitzel and Pumpernickel.

Garfield - All cats are evil!  Even lazy, talking ones...ESPECIALLY lazy, talking ones.

Grand Canyon - A big hole in the ground.  Avoid falling in!

Great Lakes - Several big puddles in the ground.  Avoid falling in.

Great Pyramids - Giant skateboard ramp.  Get gnarly!

Great Britain - Not so great!  But did give us Giles from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  Win!

Great Gatsby - See above.

Great Kahli - Seriously!

Guest - If you are a guest at a dinner party, you may die.  Especially if the host is mysterious and not someone you know.

Germs - Germs were created by God to turn us all into zombies, but as long as they keep giving us alcohol rub at the airport we will all be okay.  Germs can also make you poo lots, which can be fun or painful depending on how much you enjoy pooing.

Greg Pitt - Lesser-known brother of Brad and a member of the New World Order, the clandestine organisation that secretly runs the world.  How else did you think Brad got so famous?  His acting?  Pah!

Gun - Good at killing zombies and makes you look cool, but you risk attracting both NRA members and anti-gun lobbyists; both groups are annoying.  Thankfully though you can shoot them both dead because you have a gun.

Gangsters - Sometimes gangsters find their way into a horror film.  They take this opportunity to stop being reprehensible criminals and instead become anti-heroes.  See George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn.

Gas - If you smell gas, three things are possible.  1. There is a leak and the building is about to blow up.  2. You are being poisoned.  3. Someone just cut a disgusting fart.  All three things mean certain death (except for the third one).

God - I'm not even going there!

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