The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

Monday, 1 August 2011

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

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Investigate - Investigating will get you killed.  That noise that sounded like someone crying out for help was your postman being stabbed to death in the back of his van.  It's a shame, but there's nothing you can do for him, so sit back, switch on the TV and never ever investigate!

Indonesia - Indonesia is full of scary market stalls that sell snake's blood and lizard feet.  They are great places to visit when trying to fulfil a voodoo recipe, but other than that there is no reason to go.  Also, if their police catch you with the tiniest bit of marijuana, they will sentence you to a thousand years in a sub-human prison cell.

Ivan - Anyone with this name is usually a bad guy.  The same goes for anyone named Vlad.

Internet - The Internet is for porn.  Also it is for researching stories about 'that girl that drowned ten years ago and now seems to have come back to kill the local teenagers'.  Be sure to avoid chatrooms as these are 100% populated by twisted pedophiles wearing their dead mother's dresses and going by the name Jeanie-May.

Identity - Everyone has an identity.  If you have two then you are a schizophrenic serial killer; sorry!

Ink - All contracts should be signed with ink.  If anyone ever tells you to sign one in blood then politely decline as you are about to make a deal with the Devil.

Incans - If you find anything left behind by Incans - coins, pots, bones etc - it will be cursed.  If you value your health then you will avoid anything to do with the Incans.  Aztecs and Mayans too.  They were all bad.

Ill - If one of your group becomes ill then lock them in a closet.  They are going to become a zombie or are possessed by an alien parasite.  They could also have been bitten by that cute little monkey from 'Outbreak'.

Irritating - If you irritate people in a horror movie then I'm afraid you will die.  The killer will stab you to death and, even worse, no one will care.

Iceland - Iceland has snow zombies and Bjork.  I can't say which is more dangerous, but both will attack you upon sight.

Ignorance - Ignorance will get you killed.  No one likes a dumb-fuck in a horror movie.  If someone asks you the capitol of France and you don't know, you will die!

iTunes - iTunes is a parasite from mars, causing your muscles to wate away.  Every song you purchase takes money from your wallet and will eventually escalate to a point where you can no longer afford to feed yourself.  Your death will be slow and drawn-out as the application tears at your very soul with rare hits from the 80s.

Incoming - If someone shouts this then you better bloody duck.  If someone shouts it whilst you are on a boat then I hope you can swim!  If you are a woman and a man shouts this during sex, you should dump him.

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