The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

Friday, 15 July 2011

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie


Fat - Fat people are very slow.  If you surround yourself with fat people you will have a far better chance of outrunning a killer or some zombies.  You'll just have to put up with the body odours and the fact that they will keep complaining about the emergency rationing that you have had to put into place.

Fantasy - In a horror movie, if you fantasize about something that is too good to be true - IT IS!  You will eventually snap out of your daydreams of love and happiness to find that you are indeed still stuck in that hole underground and nobody is coming to help you.  See The Descent for example.

Fangs - Avril Lavigne has fangs.  Does this mean that she is a vampire?  Probably, but there is also a chance that she is a werewolf.  Regardless, people with fangs want to bite you, so stay away from them; Avril Lavigne included.

Final Fantasy 7 - Look out for that crazy giant snake in the desert part of the map!  You will need a chocobo to get passed, or a Celine Dion CD.  Crazy giant snakes hate Celine Dion!

Feast - A feast will consist of your sister for starters, your best friend for main course, and YOU for dessert.  Never agree to a feast with anyone in a horror movie!

Fan - If you are lucky enough to be famous during a horror movie situation then you should avoid anyone that puports to be your 'greatest fan' like the plague.  While these people will at first seem normal, and even likeable, they will slowly degenerate into twisted, bi-polar maniacs that will stalk you relentlessly until you are forced to strangle them to death with a pair of your own underwear that they stole.

Finland - Finland has Trolls and snow.  Both of these things are bad.

Freddie Kruegar - Despite some problems in his past, Freddie Kruegar is now doing very well.  He is happily married to his high school sweetheart and holds a junior executive position at Microsoft.  He does not have children.

French - French people do not make good allies in a horror movie.  They will either give you up to the killer or run away never to be seen again.  Another likely scenario is that they will get themselves captured, leaving you having to save them.  They will not thank you afterwards.

Firearms - Firearms are very good against zombies, but very bad against everything else.  A bullet won't kill Dracula.  It will just piss him off!

Frodo - Frodo Baggins is a reformed drug dealer from the Shire that went on to save the world.  His constant drug pushing prior to this led to a epidemic of severely stunted growth in his home town of Bag End.

Fender - Playing guitar in a horror movie makes you cool, so you just might live.  Conversely, playing the flute or xylophone will result in a swift and painful death for you.  The harpsicord is a grey area so feel free to try it.

Fast - Fast running is good!  Fast driving is irresponsible and in a horror movie will get you killed.  The car will crash and then, after a suitably dramatic length of time has passed, it will explode with you in it.

Flash - If you see a flash you most likely just witnessed a nulear explosion nearby.  You have three seconds to get underground before your toast!  It may also be an MIB agent wiping your mind, which is good.  Ask them to also remove that memory of when you accidentally saw your sister naked in the shower.  Also ask them to erase the knowledge that is wasn't really an accident.

Flask - Anti-heroes have silver flasks full of whiskey that they can swig from at key times - usually when they are standing against the backdrop of a ruined city or dying sunset.  Anti-heroes live though, so get a hip-flsk today!

Feisty - Feisty women make it through to the end of horror movies alive, so start learning how to be a bitch as soon as you can.

Flap Jacks -  An ideal addition to your zombie survival rations, and delicious too!  Get baking, damn it, but remember to keep them away from the 'fat' members of your group!

Friends - Friends are useful to have, but please be aware that your very bestest buddy in the whole world, that you have known all of your life, will suddenly turn out to be the killer because of some long-held irrational resentment that they have of you - like the fact you stole their favourite no. 2 pencil in kindergarten.  Your lesser-liked friends will die before you, so keep a good supply to use as kill-fodder.

The popular TV series, Friends, is absolutely full of subtle tips about how to survive a horror film or zombie apocalypse.  Watch more carefully and you will see them.  Marcel the monkey knows far more then it would first appear...

Fish - There are two types of fish.  Piranhas, that will strip the flesh from your bones if you ever dare enter water, and then there is Cod, which is delicious.  There are no other kinds of fish.

Frisky - If you get frisky, you will die.  Keep those dirty mits to yourself!

Finish - Always finish the bad guy.  They are not really dead yet - just stunned.


No comments :