The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

Thursday, 14 July 2011

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie


Earth - Our planet is the most desirable place to live in the entire multiverse, which is why waves of various alien species are always trying to take it from us.  It is the space version of a vacation house in Florida.

Eggs - Eggs are very very bad - especially if they are about to hatch.  To prevent the inherent danger of 'eggs' apply flamethrower as soon as possible.  If a flamethrower is not available you best get stamping!

Evil - The opposite of 'not-evil' and is the reason that all killers exist - either that or their poor upbringing.  At most local chemists you can find 'evil litmus paper' kits in order to detect the prescence of a killer.  You should hold one of the detection strips up to the person in question and ask them to breath onto its surface.  If that person then chooses instead to stab you in the eye socket, they are indeed evil and you should be very proud of yourself for identifying them.  Even if you are dead.

Engleburt Humperdink - The epitome of horror...

Ernest - Ernest may have saved christmas but he can't save you!

Echo - If you hear an echo then you are inside a cave.  Caves have bats.  Bats are Vampires.  You should leave.

Elevator - Elevators are designed to get stuck, preferably between floors so that passengers have to crawl out of small gap that could possibly slice them in half.  Other passengers in an elevator are also not what they seem: they could even turn out to be the devil, or someone that likes to cut disgusting farts in confined spaces.  Take the stairs.

Emo - Emo kids speak about death constantly so please let's just give it to them.  Let's give it to them all.

Email - Yes you really can increase the size of your penis, and that young Russian girl really could use your help.  The Internet is full of monsters trying to destroy you and email is their biggest weapon.

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