A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

A

Attractive - In the real world, being attractive is good, but in a horror film it is a no go.  Masked killers and sick pychopaths love nothing more than to hack away at a well-proportioned pair of titties or a perfectly-sculpted booty.  So if you find yourself and your friends being stalked by a guy in a hockey mask holding a machete, you need to ensure that you are as plain and unnattractive as can be.  Plaid shirts and wellington boots could be your only hope of survival.


Arson - When all other attempts to kill the bad guy or monster have failed, resort to fire.  It is a well known fact that 99% of supernatural slashers are vulnerable to flames, and one acceptable plan for survival would be to trap the bad guy inside a building and set light to it.  This will ensure that you reach the end of the film alive whilst ambiguously leaving open the possibility that the killer survived to make the sequel.  Fire can also work against nightmare-invading child-killers - especially if you find and burn their remains in the real world.

America - Nearly all horror movies take place in the USA, so if you live there, MOVE!

Acid - Acid is affective against all types of killers (even toon-killing maniacs.  See Roger Rabbit).  It is hard to procure, but there is a moment in every horror movie where one will find themselves in the empty corridors of a high school.  It is this time when you should quickly seek out the building's science lab and look for any beakers of smoking, clear liquid marked with a skull and crossbones.  Said liquid should then be applied to killer's face ad nauseum...

Side note:  the narcotic 'Acid' is not a survival tool and will in fact lead to an immenent death (see later entry DRUGS).

Attic - The attic is useful for several reasons during a horror film.  It is a place to hide while the killer stalks the floors below (you should usually be able to find a small hole in the floor to watch at your leisure).  When eventually discovered, the attic will allow you to partake in an exciting rooftop chase that starts from an awkwardly shaped window and ends with someone falling to their death (hopefully the killer).

The attic is also useful because you will enevitably find an old dusty chest that contains back story on the killer and potentialy objects to destroy them.  This chest will also allow you to discover that your Gran knew all about 'everything' from the start but didn't tell you about it because they were blocking it out in an alcohol-fueled, decades-long bout of denial.

Accidents - Never step backwards into a road whilst arguing with your friends.  A bus WILL hit you!


Adults - Adults are absolutely unwilling to believe anything you say concerning masked killers or your impending death, despite the fact that they know all about it really.  In fact in many cases the killer is stalking you because of something your parents did, which makes it even more annoying that they won't listen.  Do not worry though, because there is a good chance that they will drink themselves stupid in the second half of the film then later meet their deaths in some mad attempt at redemption.


Alleyways - AVOID!

Alaska - Any place that always snows will be plagued by some sort of Vampire.  Move immediately if you live in one of these places.


Ally-Oop - This is a maneuvre in basketball where one player throws the ball in the air whilst their team mate catches it and 'dunks' it in one motion.  It will not help you in a horror movie.

Alligators - When flushed down the toilet as unwanted pets, they will roam the sewers reaching unbelievable sizes.  If you find yourself underground, encountering an alligator is almost as bad as all the poo.

Animals - You will find most animals in horror films are rabid and dangerous.  Except dogs - dogs are heroes.  If you want to survive, you may need a dog.  You should name him 'Chips'.

Apes - Apes and Monkeys carry zombie diseases.  AVOID!


Asimov - If confronted by killer robots, consult the rules of Asimov.

Assistant - If you are an Assistant and you sleep with your boss, YOU WILL DIE.  Usually in a way involving office staionary or some sort of xerox machine.

Asshole - If you are an asshole, it is your obligation to start out by giving everyone else shit, but slowly throughout the course of the film you will become a badass anti-hero that others rely on.  You come to realise that your poor childhood is not your fault and that the only way you can change things is by changing yourself.  If you are an asshole, you may just live.

Astronaut - Never trust an astronaut.  They are not the same as before they went to the moon, becoming somehow different and strange.  The patches of scaly skin on their neck is also very unsettling.  If you are female they will want to breed with you as soon as possible...

Australians - Australians attract sicko 'outback killers' and giant crocodiles.  They are also always 'attractive' (see Attractive).  They also carry backpacks which are constantly snagging on things, causing you to stop, turn back, and free them.  They are also dangerous at sea as they are the natural diet of sharks.  Do not make friends with Australians, they will get you killed.

Axe - An effective weapon against slasher-killers and bug-like alien infestations.  The axe is easy to find and makes you look really cool.  It can also be used for opening doors and cutting off infected limbs.

Top 10...Horror Videogames

10.  Dino Crisis

What do you get when you cross Resident Evil with Jurassic Park?  A classic, that's what.  The Dino Crisis games took pleasure in stranding us on an abandoned island and surrounding us with bloodthirsty dinosaurs and frustrating puzzles.

The games were original and action packed with a decent storyline to boot.

9.  7th Guest

One of the few groundbreaking titles for the defunct CD-i console.  7th Guest tried some original things that had not been possible on previous, cartridge-based, systems and managed to use video and audio to highten the cinematic feel.  The game was spooky throughout and the storyline became progressively darker as one progressed (an evil, child-killing toymaker).  The puzzles could sometimes be a bit too hard but they were all memorable.

Wouldn't hold up much by today's standards, but back in the day, this game was scary.

8.  Dead Rising

Not a frightening game at all, but more a comic book homage to the zombie genre.  The first game obvioulsy took it's inspiration from Dawn of the Dead as it locked us inside a shopping mall infested with the undead.  The aim of the game was to complete a bunch of tasks whilst simultaneously dismembering zombies by increasingly insane methods.

Not scary, but a whole lot of fun.

7.  Bioshock

A truly unique setting makes this game stand out as a bleak, desperate tale of science gone mad.  The game features hi-tech graphics and Grade A storytelling equal to a Hollywood blockbuster.  Some of the 'splicers'  are pretty creepy, and the game's ending is great.

A modern classic.

6.  Doom

It became a genre unto itself and set up the FPS boom that is still going today.  The games version of hell was horrific at the time and lead to many memorable 'baddies' as well as the classic shotgun to blow them apart with.

A game that paved the way for future videogames.

5.  Dead Space

A highly polished, highly enjoyable horror game that seemed to come from nowhere.  The premise of the protagonist being a lowly engineer without proper weapons to fight an endless onslaught of mutated monsters aboard a derelict space ship was what really added to the sense of hopeless survival.

The purest survival horror videogame of the last few years.

4.  Vampire: The Masquerade

This game ruled and came out when vampires were still monsters and not angst-ridden outcasts.  The story world is a deep and involving ones, featuring a deepwoven society of vampires and their clans.  As a newly made vampire, it is imperative that you learn how to fit into this world as quickly as possible.  To do this, you're gonna have to start picking sides.

A deep and enthralling story that is true to what vampires 'should be'.

3.  Parasite Eve

These games were epic and featured horror on a much bigger scale than the other more confined genre entries.  They were also different in that they were RPG-like in many aspects, allowing the user to level up their powers and weapons.  The puzzles were smart and the plot was a sci-fi infused journey into the very esscence of what we are.

A rare gem.

2.  Silent Hill

A truly unsettling game that set up an entire town as the bad guy.  Aimed purely at adults and aiming for a more traditional horror atmosphere then some of the 'comic book' styles of other titles.  Atmosphere was key to the brilliance of the games and no one that played it could not be un-nerved by the clinging mist and the sharp crackle of the radio whenever danger approached.

The game features knife-wielding babies...need I say more.

1.  Resident Evil

An obvious pick but, as the game that pretty much started the 'survival horror' genre, it deserves its place at number 1.  I believe the series as a whole has lost its way, but the earlier entries were fun-packed and horrific.  The joy of exploding a zombie's head with a shotgun was pretty much unrivalled at the time.

The worst voice-overs in history, but absolutely nailed everything else.  They tried to ban this pioneer but thankfully they did not suceed.  Get your 'zombie-killing' hat on.

Top 10...Monsters from Novels

10.  Hawg, by Stephen Shrewsbury

This is the only book I have read from Shrewsbury, but I was delighted to have turned its pages.  Hawg is a giant pig-like monster that has been kept captive on a farm.  When the oversized, over-sexed beast gets free all sorts of chaos ensues in a fun, thrill-soaked ride.

Hawg is a memorable monster because he is not intrinsically evil; he is just a wild, confused animal on the loose.  And he's horny!

9.  IT, by Stephen King

Despite the iconic image of Tim Curry as Pennywise, the murderous clown, King fleshed out the character far more in his fat novel.  The character has undertones far darker and ancient than it first appears on the surface, and this is what creates a constant sense of dread as the children of the book go up against a seemingly unstoppable foe.  The world was scared of clowns before this book, but afterwards we became terrified of them.

8.  Ghost Monster, by Simon Clark

Judge Marrain is the ghost in question, and is as malevolent and bloodthirsty than any spectre I've read about.  His obsession with taking over the body of his descendants is what drives the story and creates constant peril for the protagonists.  His army of lunatic spirits makes him seem even more insurmountable.

7.  The Rats Trilogy, by James Herbert

Some people are scared of rats, despite the fact they are very intelligent and friendly when tamed, so imagine what those people would make of giant, bloodthirsty rodents.  The rats in Herbert's trilogy are a terrifying menace that work together in great, roving packs to overcome their flailing victims.  What I really like about this trilogy is how it gets more epic with each novel; beginnning with a London Borough, moving on to Epping Forest, and then London (and the country) as a whole.  The monsters in these books play off a common fear and by the end of the trilogy we can vividly imagine the agony of having dozens of sharp incisors ripping us to shreds.

6.  Conqueror Worms, by Brian Keene

This book is chock-full of monsters, from the Kraken-like beast, Leviathon, to the giant mouth of Behomoth, but the main premise of the book is based around worms.  That's right, worms!  But these are giant annelids the size of cars, and they're snacking on anything in sight.  What makes life worse for the victims is that a biblical flood has forced them into small plots of land on mountaintops, leaving very little room for maneuvre, or escape.  Worms may not seem scary to most, but by the end of this novel you will never look at the slithery little things in the same way again.

5.  Slugs, by Shaun Hutson

An older entry and another one that features creepy crawlies.  Hutson is an established writer, but Slugs is a slight deviation from his normal themes and, as such, is a rare gem.  The slimly little beasts in this story are frightening for the fact that the can hide so easily and kill so quickly.  Their oily skin is toxic and their speed is unnatural.  If they get you, you're gonna die painfully!

4.  Breeding Ground, by Sarah Pinborough

I hated the sequel, Feeding Ground, but loved the original.  It features a multi-faceted monster that starts with a bunch of immaculate conceptions by pretty much all the women in the world.  The men are worried but have no idea what is happening.  As the woman get heavier, they start to control the men telepathically and things seem pretty bleak.  Then they hatch...

The spider-like monsters ensnare their prey in silky webs before devouring them slowly in what has to be everyone's vision of hell.  A group of trapped survivors desperately seek a solution as their time runs out, but when the spiders later give way to something else, all hope seems lost.

3.  I Am Legend, by Richard Matheson

A short novel that features some of the most enduring monsters.  Essentially a vampire tale with a science-fiction background, the story follows the last man on earth, Neville, as he tries to reverse the disease that turned the human population into blood-crazed animals.  His task is made more difficult by the constant sieges that the monster lay at his door everynight.

2.  Monster Planet, by David Wellington

The Lich, russian prince of the dead is scary because of the power he wields.  With literally a worldwide army of zombies at his disposal, how can he ever be stopped from seazing ultimate power?  The fact that he is a callous individual, forever trapped in the body of a young boy makes him eaven more sinister.  What he does to a main character later in the story is despicable and makes the reader want him to fall on his ass so badly that they can't help but turn the page.  The only problem: how do you kill something that is already dead?

1.  Beast House Trilogy, by Richard Laymon

The beast!  A mysterious, animalistic animal from exotic reaches, brought to America and locked inside a Cellar.  What could go wrong?  Well throughout the trilogy they keep letting people into the house, for a start, or they break in.  One thing for sure though, is that once you go in, you don't get back out.  The beast will get you.  One of the best works from one of the best writers.  Laymon will be sorely missed, because there is no one else that can write a story quite like him.  Check it out.


As always, I want to hear what your top 10 lists would be.

Top 10...Apocalyptic Novels

10.  Cell, by Stephen King

I was really excited when I heard King was going to tackle 'the zombie novel' but, in all honesty, Cell did not turn out like that.  It has its own premise, for better or worse, and that leads to this being a very unique story for both King and the zombie genre.

The story follows what happens when a pulse signal is sent to every mobile phone on earth with a subliminal directive to kill.  The book starts quickly and strongly and the author creates a very real sense of desperation that continues throughout most of the book.  As with all King's stories, the characters are real and we care about them.  The only downside in my opinion is that the book gets somewhat ambiguous once the infected develop a 'hive mind'.  Not one of King's worst endings, but certainly not one of his best.

9.  Plague Year Trilogy, by Jeff Carlson

Again,a totally unique entry into the world of apocalypse.  Here we see a world where a 'nano-plague' has distinguished all life below 10,000 feet.  We get to see the survivors eek out a sorry existence in the harsh, barren enviroment of mountain tops, unable to travel below the 'threshold'.

The story is more technothriller than horror, but the feeling of isolation that the characters feel is really well done.  In the later novels, the story becomes more epic and happens on a global scale, with international conflict between nations.

8.  Darkness on the edge of town, by Brian Keene

This is actually not one of my favourite books from Keene, but I feel the sense of hopeless doom in this novel is very well done.  I hardly ever had hope that the world would make it and I had to keep reading just to see how long the characters could go on for.

The premise of darkness consuming the world is a good one and it brings out some really unique situations for the characters to face up against.  The character of Des is particularly well portrayed.

7.  Blood Crazy, by Simon Clark

Absolutely love this one.  Clark's imaginary world falls apart as all adults attack children under the age of seventeen.  Almost a coming of age drama as the main characters are forced to grow up earlier than they would have liked, and as you would expect not all of the children handle independence the same, leading to lots of conflict between the various groups.

The uncomfortable dynamic between the protagonist and his longtime enemy/turned reluctant ally is a particular highlight.

6.  Monster Island trilogy, by David Wellington

A really orignial writer that creates a really original zombie-ocalypse.  The world is unique in that anyone that died whilst still supplied with oxygen to the brain turns into a 'sentient zombie' retaining all of their personality.  This begins with the character of Gary and ends with the Lich, a russian prince of the dead who tries to control the earth.  The whole epic story arc is varied and colourful and contains some always memorable characters.  Each novel is vastly different to the others but somehow manages to keep to the overall mythology of the trilogy.

5.  Domain, by James Herbert

Been a while since I read Herbert, as I feel his work went less horror-orientated and more porn-obssessed as he got older.  I always remember this story from my youth though and still use it for inspiration.

The final part of 'The Rats trilogy' features a nuclear attack on London that leads several survivors to an underground government bunker.  They intend to wait out the nuclear fallout and re-establish society, but what they didn't expect is the rise of a new species of giant rats.

The feeling of claustrophobia is really well done here and the infighting amongst the survivors is as exciting as any book I have ever read.  Check it out before you try any of Herbert's later works.

4.  The Stand, by Stephen King

If you can stomach 800 pages then this is an epic odysee of the human spirit.  After a brilliantly-described flu epidemic called Captain Tripps that kills 99% of the world, we are left with two sets of survivors.  Each represents the dichotomy of good or evil (the Las Vegas group obviously being the ones prone to sin).  The vast book then follows the conflict between Mother Abigail's 'goodies' and Randall Flagg's 'baddies'.  It's E-P-I-C.

Too bad the crappy Deus Ex Machina at the end ruins its chances of being my number 1.

3.  Clickers 2, by J F Gonzalez and Brian Keene

I chose the second entry specifically because it's the only one that could be classed as 'apocalyptic'.  It features the attack of The Clickers, huge crab-like creatures, as well as their masters, the dark ones, who resemble Lovecraftian fish people.  The characters are great and varied, while the story takes place from several points-of-view, which makes the story feel much more far reaching than the other two entries in the series so far (the 4th will be Clickers vs Zombies!).  You'll find the old retired general a great character to root for.

2.  World War Z, by Max Brookes

Not strictly apocalyptic because the world survives, but only just.  If you haven't read this book yet, go and buy it now!  Go on, I'll wait here while you do....Got it?  Good.

The book is written as a documentary, pennedby a travelling journalist interviewing survivors of a zombie apocalypse.  The accounts are so detailed, varied, and realistic that you could actually be tricked into thinking the events had actually happened for a moment.  The story charts the zombie outbreak from it's first victim down to its last, and the journey between is just mesmerising.

1.  The Rising/City of the Dead, by Brian Keene

My Brian Keene bias is probably showing by now, but I believe he deserves the number 1 spot for these two novels, if only for helping to ressurect the zombie genre.  I believe that The Rising and its sequel need to be taken as one whole for it to deserve its place here as the story isn't quite as epic otherwise.

This was the first work of Keene's I read and I have been a consumate fan ever since.  The story starts small and builds to a creshendo of bloodshed as the survivors make it to a high-tech, 'Gremlins 2 Clamp' type of building that was made into a fortress by its paranoid owner.  There the survivors take refuge against 'Ob' and his merry band of demon-possesed zombies.  The fact that the undead are actually demons adds far more versatility to the plot and makes life even harder for the survivors.  Also, the animals are succeptable to the possession too, which makes life pretty much impossible.

For me, The Rising was my entrance ticket to the rich and involving world that Keene creates throughout all his books, and really this is just the beginning chapter in a life long plot that the author is creating.  Welcome to the Labrynth; you'll never want to leave.


As always, let me know what you think of my choices, and let's have a row if you disagree.  Cheers.

TOP 10...Zombie Flicks

10.  Shaun of the Dead

I put this as number 10 because it starts out as a pretty traditional zombie movie, managing to create a pretty ominous atmosphere.  At about the half way point the film flips gears and becomes more of an out and out comedy, and the scares dissappear.  This disjointedness is my only complaint with the film and as such it just eeks itself in to my Top 10 Zombie Flicks.

9.  Flight of the Living Dead

Probably not everyone's favourite, but I found this film to be pretty solid.  The zombie scenes were action packed and the narrative was pretty tight.  That in addition to the pretty unique setting (for a zombie novel at least) and we have a flick worth a try.

8.  Return of the Living Dead

If you like your zombies camp and bloody, then this is the one for you.  Caused by a toxic chemical, these zombies are freakishly scary and the typical survivor's tale is told well and plays for both laughs and suspense.  It does both particularly well in my opinion.

7.  Night of the Living Dead:  The remake

I thought Tom Savini's remake was pretty tight.  It took the wonderful story of the original - people trapped in a farm house, surrounded by the dead - while adding modern actors and special effects.  Win win.  The ending is pretty cool too.

6.  Night of the Living Dead:  The original

Pretty much on par with the remake, but that image of the dude's head hitting the tombstone at the beginning is one that has always haunted me.  Gross.

5.  Bio Zombie

This flick from the far east plays it for laughs more than anything else, but the two protagonists are likeable and the change of geographic setting makes this a title that gives a slightly different experience to Hollywood.  Don't drink that Lucozade!

4.  Return of the Living Dead 3

Most people hate this film, but for some reason it always stuck with me more than most other zombie flicks.  I particularly like the idea of self mutilation to control the zombie urges of the female protagonist.  Plus there's some pretty unique zombies in this.  Giraffe-necked zombie anyone?

3.  Dawn of the Dead 2004

Best opening 15 minutes to a zombie movie ever?  I think so.  Zack Synder's movie had nothing to do with the original and lacked a lot of the character depth, but as an action-horror it suceeded very well.  The whole movie is a thrill to watch and the ending culminates with some badass busses and an ambiguous ending.  Great.

2.  Brain Dead/Dead Alive

Luuurve this film.  The beginning with the Sumerian Rat Monkey leaves a really bad taste in your mouth that always left me pretty scared.  Later the film takes itself a little less seriously, but doesn't suffer in the way that Shaun of the Dead does.  The splatter-comedy is extreme beyond believe and one can enjoy this film on that premise alone - especially once the lawn mower engines start, but the narrative is pretty good also.  Lionel's relationship with his shrew of a mother is a particular highlight.

1.  Dawn of the Dead - the original

Must have watched this film a million times as a kid.  The film is less about the zombie apocalypse and more about the cabin fever that affects the survivors.  Having access to a fully stocked shopping centre at first seems like an unbridled fantasy, but it quickly becomes a nightmare as isolation and boredom drives the inhabitants insane.  A commentary on the human condition if ever there was one.  The perfect zombie flick.

Let me know what you all think.  Did I miss something (Day of the Dead, 28 Days later for example).  Well let me know and I'll explain my decision.  Cheers everyone.

Top 10...Horror Novelists

We all love top 10 lists (don't know why that is.  Perhaps it's a psychological need for order).  So every day this week I will be doing a top 10 of the things I love.

Day 1 - Top 10 Horror Novelists:

1.  Brian Keene:

Keene is my absolute favourite author for many reasons.  One being that each of his stories is so vastly different from the next.  His stories features monsters and demons from all types of mythology, folklore and Abrahmic Religions (and a few pagan ones here and there).  The worlds he creates are rich ones full of unspeakable evils and dark magic, but what makes his body of work all the more exciting is his overarching mythos of the 'labrynth' that ties every one of his stories together in one way or another.  All that, besides that fact that Keene pumps out novels and novellas quicker than any other author I know means that he provides a constant source of entertainment for me.

Check out:  Dead Sea, The Rising, Ghost walk, and 20 odd others that are great.


2.  Stephen King:

I may be unpopular for this one, but I thnk that if you take King's work as a whole then you have to appreciate his skill.  While some of his books are better than others, his epics such as the Stand, Under The Dome, Desperation, It and a few others provide an experience that no other authors can provide.  While his input is slowing down as he reaches old age, his recent work seems to be closer to his original stuff, which brings his career full circle in an organic and pleasing fashion.

Check out:  Under the Dome, Desperation, The Green Mile, The Stand, Pet Cemetary

3.  Simon Clark:

My favourite British Author because he presents horror in a modern english setting that I can identify with.  While I have only read a few of his books so far, I found Blood Crazy and Ghost Monster to be brilliant and original tales.


4.  Jeff Strand:

I only recently discovered Strand but since I did I have not looked back.  I started with his Bram Stoker award winning Pressure, which sucked me in more than any character driven horror story ever.  It really is fantastic and you have to check it out.  Then I read his heart-wrending novel Dweller.  I have to say that this novel left me devastated and actually in mourning.  It spans an entire man's lifetime along with his friendship with a monster named Owen.  One of my favourite books ever.


5.  Scott Sigler:

Again I only recently discovered Sigler with his technothriller Ancestor.  It was like Jurassic park meets James bond and I loved it.  Then I read Infected and Contagious, the 1st two parts of a trilogy, and again I must say I was glued to the pages.  It's like The Fly crossed with Invasion of the Body Snatchers.


6.  Jack Kilborn:

Or J A Konrath to quote his real name.  Kilborn is a similar writer to Jack Ketchum (Would be number 11 on my list if it went that far) in that he loves to shock, but I also found him very unique in the stories he creates.  For example, his story Origin is like nothing I have ever read before.  He is also a great guy that works really hard to help aspiring authors, so you owe it to the man to buy his work.

Check Out:  Trapped, Afraid, Endurance

7.  J F Gonzalez:

Not as well known as some, but has some fantastic books to his name.  Writes some really uniqe characters that perhaps stem from his unique heritage and is similar to many of my other favourite authors that focus on characters more than plot.


Check out:  Survivor, 'The Clickers' series

8.  Kim Paffenroth:

The guy has only written one fictional series that I know of, Dying to Live; but goddamn what a trilogy.  If you think zombie novels are all blood and gore then think again.  This triolgy of books studies the human condition as much as any "high brow" piece of writing and I truly feel that Paffenroth is one of the most intellectual yet humanistic authors alive.  You really have to check out his work

Check out:  Dying to Live trilogy

9.  Z A Recht:

Tragically this author died two books into his Morningstar Trilogy.  Like the man above, Recht had imagined a zombie universe that blows all else away.  While Paffenroth wrote a thinking man's zombie trilogy, Recht created an epic "Hollywood" universe full of action, suspense and scares that keeps you turning the pages long into the night.


Check out:  Morningstar Strain 1 and 2

10. Richard Laymon

Again, another tragically passed author that I think had at least another ten books in him.  The man's back list is immense and almost entirely brilliant.  It is a travesty that this author didn't get the credit he deserved while he was alive and is only just recieving it now (partly thanks to his daughter Kelly Laymon).  He was one of the progenitors of the "Splatterpunk" genre that is still alive today.  He is the master of creepy characters, stalkers, saddists, perverts, and psychopaths.


Check Out:  Cuts, The Beasthouse trilogy, Come Out Tonight, Darkness Tell Us, Glory Bus, The Midnight Tour, and a dozen others.


You really should check out every one of these authors and I hope you will.  Let me know if you think I missed anyone that should or shouldn't be on the list?

New novel: Animal Kingdom. Thrillobytes Volume 2

The first 2000 word of my next novel, Animal Kingdom, have been put down and open the story pretty well in my opinion.  The story will be another apocalyptic tale, this time featuring a scenario where every animal on earth turns against mankind.  Guess where our protagonist finds himself amongst all this?  That's right, the frickin ZOO!  Expect killer tigers, rabid wolves, and silver back pyscho apes.  Coming soon!

I hope you enjoyed the freebie, Thrillobytes - volume 1.  I intend to pen various short stories throughout the year and will be again releasing them for free in the Thrillobyte series, with the intention to later release a complete Thrillobyte collection.

I released the Final Winter on the 24th of May and as expected things are beginning slowly.  If you're reading this please buy my novel, or at the very least follow my blog.  I will be updating constantly and giving away freebies as much as possible.  I am pouring my entire life into writing, but it's worthless without you all.

Have a great weekend everybody.

The X Factor

So I went to see the X Factor audtionees yesterday in Birmingham.  I was dragged along by my girlfriend and had to queue for 3 hours.  Was it worth it?  Well...Yes!

I'm not usually interested in the yearly talent contest that seems to have less relevance every year, but I have to say that I was surprised by just how good some of the auditonees were.  One particular 'Bingo Hall Singer' actually gave me goosebumps!  I'd say that yesterday there was every chance I witnessed the birth of this year's winner...but who knows?  All I can say was that The X factor may just be worth watching again this year.

If only to see the new judges,  Kelly Rowland, Gary from Take That, Tulisa from N'Dubz, and Louie - Potato! - Walsh were on good form and had the crowd constantly in hysterics, especially Gary Barlow, who's dry and sardonic remarks would seem more suited to a comedian than a host.

But what you really want to know:  is which Judge was the meanest.  Well, surprisingly, I would have to say hands down that it was Gary Barlow.  He pulled no punches and I think there may be at least two suicides this week from the naive dreams that he happily shattered.  Still it was great entertainment.