The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie


Cannon - A cannon would be an ideal weapon in a horror movie situation if your target was to remain still and in front of you.  If you come up against a somewhat less co-operative killer then a cannon is perhaps not your best option.

Cars - Cars are great for going on the run or occasionally for mowing down masked pychopaths and other two legged monsters.  There is a chance however that the car itself is the monster, possessed by an evil entity intent on killing check the vehicle's history before getting behind the wheel.

Chains - If your boyfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, RUN!  If your girlfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, she's a keeper!

Cellar - See above.

Crystals - Multi-coloured crystals are very pretty, but pretty much useless unless you have a new-age witch on hand; so if you find crystals just ignore them, or find yourself a new-age witch!

Carrier - A carrier is someone that is infected with a disease (usually zombie flu) and they can be identified by sweating, coughing, and a pasty complexion.  They usually spend half the film trying to hide a nasty, infected wound from the rest of the group, before finally going batshit crazy and trying to eat people.  To prevent this, everyone in your group of survivors should be naked at all times.  Sexy Parties are optional.

Cabin - If you go to a cabin there is a good chance you will die!  On the other hand they make great venues for a relaxing weekend vacation, so the risk may be worth it.  Just check the nearby area for ancient buriel plots first.  And take enough bed linen, you don't want to get a chill.

Canada - Canadiens have banned all violence, and even rudeness of any kind, so a horror movie situation is unlikely to occur there.  If possible we should all relocate to Canada and spend our retirement watching back-to-back episodes of 'Due South'.

Castle - If you get invited to stay the night at an old, rundown castle then you should respectfully decline.  Likewise, if a distant relative dies and leaves you a property in their will then you should sell it on immediately.  If however you have the means to build your own castle then this would be a wonderful asset during a zombie apocalypse.  A well-dug moat could keep you safe for years.

Colt - Whether a horse or a gun, a Colt is useful to have.  Just make sure you know which one you have.  A horse will not appreciate you trying to loads bullets into it and a gun will not be happy being kept in a stable.

Chocolate - A little known fact is that the accomplished spree killer, Michael Myers, is a fanatic for chocolate.  In fact he will happily spare you for a Cadbury Cream Egg or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.  Bear that in mind when Halloween 36 hits the cinemas later this year.

Cats - A 'black' cat = Evil!  Other types of cats = Evil.  All cats are Evil!

Cricket Bat - The modern and fashionable way to cave zombie's heads in.  If you go to war with anything else then you are just not cool, sir.

Christmas Carols - If you turn up at my door singing 'Old King Wenceslas' then I will kill you!

Corporations - Corporations create monsters, mutants, deadly viruses, and Coke Cola.  All of these things are evil.  If you work nine to five for a large multi-facted business then you may be contributing to our eventual extinction.  How could you!

Christianity - Christians are great when coming up against the devil.  They will give you time to run away while they attempt to teach Lucifer the error of his ways.  The bible can also be used effectively as a bludgeoning weapon, or you can use it to stand on and reach high places.

Coven - A coven is a social club for broody lesbians.  If you are stuck in a horror movie and need help, you can ask a coven to provide a backing soundtrack for you.  They will happily chant incantations while you take it to the bad guy.  This won't really provide you with much assistance, but will at least set the right atmosphere.

City - A city is a breeding ground for serial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults.  Move to the countryside now!

Countryside - The countryside is a breeding ground for seial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults.  Move to the city now!

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