The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

Monday, 4 July 2011

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie


Boats - Boats will not save you.  In the event of a zombie attack for instance, escaping by boat will only lead you to a seemingly deserted island that will in fact turn out to be teeming with the undead.  Boats are also prone to attacks from both sharks and giant squid (and in rarer instances, the dark lord Cthulhu).  Row boats are the most dangerous of all and will often result in you being pulled under the water by the spirits of drowned children.

Bandits - Bandits exist in all horror apocolypses and are dirty, stupid people that enjoy raping above all else.  They seem to have no comprehension that the human race is dwindling and go about killing innocent people instead of working together to improve things for all.

Bats - Bats are either Vampires in disguise or carriers of disease.  Get a baseball bat and clobber them out of the air!

Babies - In a horror film, there is a chance that a baby will be evil and care should be taken not to climb ladders around them or stray near third-floor windows.  In other scenarios, an unborn baby may be the future saviour of humanity and care should be taken to keep these types of fetuses safe.

Billy Crystal - Unkown to him, Billy Crystal is a descendant of a line of ancient shamen.  In the event of severe supernatural threats, you should seek out this talented actor and convince him to unleash the powerful white magic that has always existed inside of him.  Billy Crystal could save us all!

Bomb - A bomb can be used to wipe out aliens, monsters, and assorted critters.  For instance, sticks of dynamite can be tied to remote controlled cars and used to attract and destroy giant underground worms.

Biscuits - Biscuits can't help you.  They do, however, go great with a cup of tea.  Yum!

Bandana - A bandana will instantly make you an expert in all firearms and survival techniques.  This piece of clothing is a must if you hope to survive.

Bed - Hiding under a bed whilst being stalked by a killer is a bad idea; although the matress can be stripped and thrown from an upstairs window, allowing you to jump out and use it as a crash mat.

Birds - These winged rodents have a tendency to swarm in a flurry of bad special effects.  They like to peck at their victim's eyes, so sunglasses are a wise investment.  A group of circling birds however can indicate the presence of a corpse, so in a zombie apocalypse they can be very useful to look out for.

Black Guy - Typically the first to die, so get away from him, or alternatively keep him near to act as a kill-buffer.

Bars - Before entering a bar, please ensure that it is Vampire-free.  This can be achieved by cuttng your hand and seeing if any of the other patrons begin to drool over your blood.  Alternatively, you could just visit the bar during daylight hours.

Boxing - Any attempt to 'box' a serial killer will end badly.  After taking several blows and staggering backwards, the killer will enevitably shake off the attack and kill you.  See Nightmare on Elm Street 3 or Friday the 13th 8 for examples.

Be right back - Never say this!

Beer - Beer make man strong.

Brogues - A sensible pair of shoes is vital in all horror scenarious.  Invest in your feet today and they will pay you back later.

Budgets - Budgets are used by Governments and are usually the reason that huge threats get ignored.  The bottom line is more important than properly investigating a little virus outbreak in Chicago.

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