The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - T

Monday, 16 January 2012

A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - T

Thailand - Don't get caught with drugs in Thailand - dear god, please don't!  No one has heard from Joachim Phoenix every since he went there with Vince Vaughn.

Tether - A supernatural tether is a good thing as it keeps ancient spirits and demons dormant and harmless.  This is why you shouldn't mess with anything in an ancient crypt or spooky castle.  You break the tether you gonna pay for it.

Treat Williams - Whatever happened to that guy?

Tripwires - In a horror film, tripwires are handy for setting of bombs in the jungle to kill Predators, or for setting of lasers in evil gorrilas start attacking your encampent in the Congo.  They can also be used on doorways to trip up your friends.  It's hilarious.

Tranny - In a horror film, as in real life, a Tranny has the power to scare - and somewhat arouse - men to within an inch of their lives.  If there's a tranny about, best that they are working with you than against you.

Transylvania - Used to be a cool place for evil to hang out.  Now Vegas is the place to be.

Tits - Don't stare at tits for too long because they will distract you to the fact that the woman they belong to has just turned into a demon-bitch or vampire and will be planning on eating your head.

Tarantula - There had never ever been a Tarantula in any horror film that has been good.  If it's furry and has eight legs, then you should get in your car and drive over it, urinate on the remains before setting fire to them, then bury the ashes in a church yard.  If you fail to do any of this then you invite folly upon your lives.

Taxidermy - If someone invites you in and their house is full of stuffed animals, arm yourself with the nearest dead squirrel and prepare to defend yourself.  Anyone that makes a table out of a Labrador is evil.  If you find furniture made out of people parts then you are in the home of Ed Gein.

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