The Official Blog of Iain Rob Wright: A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - R

Monday, 16 January 2012

A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - R

Robert the Bruce - Trusting Robert the Bruce will result in your being hung, drawn, and quartered.  If you bump into this historic Scot, then please slap the git in the face and say 'that's for Braveheart, you bitch.'

Randy Savage - Randy Savage was our only hope in defeating the abominable Hulk Hogan and his evil deeds of self-promotion and backstabbing.  The world is a less tolerable place now that he is gone.  Randy Poffo RIP.

Rickshaw - If you find yourself on the back of a Rickshaw then you may be in China.  In China you will be abudcted so that your organs can be sold on the black market.  Good luck to you.  You may also get Bird Flu.

Razor - A man with a razor will most likely try to slash your throat, but a man 'called' Razor will probably be a badass anti-hero that will save your sorry ass.  If you plan on kicking some zombie butt, then perhaps you should consider changing your name to Razor?

Reel - If you find an old-fashioned film reel the it will certainly contain footage of a snuff film.  You will then begin a life-consuming obssession to discover the identity of the girl in the film and bring her killers to justice.  You WILL enter a murky underworld of pornography and you WILL get a little bit arroused by it.

Reality Show - In a horror movie, all reality shows are evil.  They are either TV deathmatches set in the future, enjoyed by millions, or seedy little torture games watched by a select group of millionaires.  Either way, don't apply to be on one.

Russians - Russians are badguys - that's what they are there for.  So in any horror movie that contains a Russian, always keep one eye on him and be sure to blame him for stuff whenever you get the chance.  The Russian is quickly becoming replaced by the' Arab'.

Republicans - Repubicans are all secret drug-smoking, abortion supporting, prostitute-killing, atheists that spend most of their time arguing to the contrary.  They do not like foreigners, and play a lot of golf.

Ready or not - Do not play hide and seek in a horror movie.  You will not like what you find.

Rich - Anyone rich in a horror mvie is evil.  They will pay to watch you killed or pay to create an immortality serum that actually creates zombies instead.  Anyone with the name, Rich, will probably be okay though - unless their surname is 'Simmons'.

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