Attractive - In the real world, being attractive is good, but in a horror film it is a no go. Masked killers and sick pychopaths love nothing more than to hack away at a well-proportioned pair of titties or a perfectly-sculpted booty. So if you find yourself and your friends being stalked by a guy in a hockey mask holding a machete, you need to ensure that you are as plain and unnattractive as can be. Plaid shirts and wellington boots could be your only hope of survival.
Arson - When all other attempts to kill the bad guy or monster have failed, resort to fire. It is a well known fact that 99% of supernatural slashers are vulnerable to flames, and one acceptable plan for survival would be to trap the bad guy inside a building and set light to it. This will ensure that you reach the end of the film alive whilst ambiguously leaving open the possibility that the killer survived to make the sequel. Fire can also work against nightmare-invading child-killers - especially if you find and burn their remains in the real world.
America - Nearly all horror movies take place in the USA, so if you live there, MOVE!
Acid - Acid is affective against all types of killers (even toon-killing maniacs. See Roger Rabbit). It is hard to procure, but there is a moment in every horror movie where one will find themselves in the empty corridors of a high school. It is this time when you should quickly seek out the building's science lab and look for any beakers of smoking, clear liquid marked with a skull and crossbones. Said liquid should then be applied to killer's face ad nauseum...
Side note: the narcotic 'Acid' is not a survival tool and will in fact lead to an immenent death (see later entry DRUGS).
Attic - The attic is useful for several reasons during a horror film. It is a place to hide while the killer stalks the floors below (you should usually be able to find a small hole in the floor to watch at your leisure). When eventually discovered, the attic will allow you to partake in an exciting rooftop chase that starts from an awkwardly shaped window and ends with someone falling to their death (hopefully the killer).
The attic is also useful because you will enevitably find an old dusty chest that contains back story on the killer and potentialy objects to destroy them. This chest will also allow you to discover that your Gran knew all about 'everything' from the start but didn't tell you about it because they were blocking it out in an alcohol-fueled, decades-long bout of denial.
Accidents - Never step backwards into a road whilst arguing with your friends. A bus WILL hit you!
Adults - Adults are absolutely unwilling to believe anything you say concerning masked killers or your impending death, despite the fact that they know all about it really. In fact in many cases the killer is stalking you because of something your parents did, which makes it even more annoying that they won't listen. Do not worry though, because there is a good chance that they will drink themselves stupid in the second half of the film then later meet their deaths in some mad attempt at redemption.
Alleyways - AVOID!
Alaska - Any place that always snows will be plagued by some sort of Vampire. Move immediately if you live in one of these places.
Ally-Oop - This is a maneuvre in basketball where one player throws the ball in the air whilst their team mate catches it and 'dunks' it in one motion. It will not help you in a horror movie.
Alligators - When flushed down the toilet as unwanted pets, they will roam the sewers reaching unbelievable sizes. If you find yourself underground, encountering an alligator is almost as bad as all the poo.
Animals - You will find most animals in horror films are rabid and dangerous. Except dogs - dogs are heroes. If you want to survive, you may need a dog. You should name him 'Chips'.
Apes - Apes and Monkeys carry zombie diseases. AVOID!
Asimov - If confronted by killer robots, consult the rules of Asimov.
Assistant - If you are an Assistant and you sleep with your boss, YOU WILL DIE. Usually in a way involving office staionary or some sort of xerox machine.
Asshole - If you are an asshole, it is your obligation to start out by giving everyone else shit, but slowly throughout the course of the film you will become a badass anti-hero that others rely on. You come to realise that your poor childhood is not your fault and that the only way you can change things is by changing yourself. If you are an asshole, you may just live.
Astronaut - Never trust an astronaut. They are not the same as before they went to the moon, becoming somehow different and strange. The patches of scaly skin on their neck is also very unsettling. If you are female they will want to breed with you as soon as possible...
Australians - Australians attract sicko 'outback killers' and giant crocodiles. They are also always 'attractive' (see Attractive). They also carry backpacks which are constantly snagging on things, causing you to stop, turn back, and free them. They are also dangerous at sea as they are the natural diet of sharks. Do not make friends with Australians, they will get you killed.
Axe - An effective weapon against slasher-killers and bug-like alien infestations. The axe is easy to find and makes you look really cool. It can also be used for opening doors and cutting off infected limbs.
B
Boats - Boats will not save you. In the event of a zombie attack for instance, escaping by boat will only lead you to a seemingly deserted island that will in fact turn out to be teeming with the undead. Boats are also prone to attacks from both sharks and giant squid (and in rarer instances, the dark lord Cthulhu). Row boats are the most dangerous of all and will often result in you being pulled under the water by the spirits of drowned children.
Bandits - Bandits exist in all horror apocolypses and are dirty, stupid people that enjoy raping above all else. They seem to have no comprehension that the human race is dwindling and go about killing innocent people instead of working together to improve things for all.
Bats - Bats are either Vampires in disguise or carriers of disease. Get a baseball bat and clobber them out of the air!
Babies - In a horror film, there is a chance that a baby will be evil and care should be taken not to climb ladders around them or stray near third-floor windows. In other scenarios, an unborn baby may be the future saviour of humanity and care should be taken to keep these types of fetuses safe.
Billy Crystal - Unkown to him, Billy Crystal is a descendant of a line of ancient shamen. In the event of severe supernatural threats, you should seek out this talented actor and convince him to unleash the powerful white magic that has always existed inside of him. Billy Crystal could save us all!
Bomb - A bomb can be used to wipe out aliens, monsters, and assorted critters. For instance, sticks of dynamite can be tied to remote controlled cars and used to attract and destroy giant underground worms.
Biscuits - Biscuits can't help you. They do, however, go great with a cup of tea. Yum!
Bandana - A bandana will instantly make you an expert in all firearms and survival techniques. This piece of clothing is a must if you hope to survive.
Bed - Hiding under a bed whilst being stalked by a killer is a bad idea; although the matress can be stripped and thrown from an upstairs window, allowing you to jump out and use it as a crash mat.
Birds - These winged rodents have a tendency to swarm in a flurry of bad special effects. They like to peck at their victim's eyes, so sunglasses are a wise investment. A group of circling birds however can indicate the presence of a corpse, so in a zombie apocalypse they can be very useful to look out for.
Black Guy - Typically the first to die, so get away from him, or alternatively keep him near to act as a kill-buffer.
Bars - Before entering a bar, please ensure that it is Vampire-free. This can be achieved by cuttng your hand and seeing if any of the other patrons begin to drool over your blood. Alternatively, you could just visit the bar during daylight hours.
Boxing - Any attempt to 'box' a serial killer will end badly. After taking several blows and staggering backwards, the killer will enevitably shake off the attack and kill you. See Nightmare on Elm Street 3 or Friday the 13th 8 for examples.
Be right back - Never say this!
Beer - Beer make man strong.
Brogues - A sensible pair of shoes is vital in all horror scenarious. Invest in your feet today and they will pay you back later.
Budgets - Budgets are used by Governments and are usually the reason that huge threats get ignored. The bottom line is more important than properly investigating a little virus outbreak in Chicago.
C
Cannon - A cannon would be an ideal weapon in a horror movie situation if your target was to remain still and in front of you. If you come up against a somewhat less co-operative killer then a cannon is perhaps not your best option.
Cars - Cars are great for going on the run or occasionally for mowing down masked pychopaths and other two legged monsters. There is a chance however that the car itself is the monster, possessed by an evil entity intent on killing you...so check the vehicle's history before getting behind the wheel.
Chains - If your boyfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, RUN! If your girlfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, she's a keeper!
Cellar - See above.
Crystals - Multi-coloured crystals are very pretty, but pretty much useless unless you have a new-age witch on hand; so if you find crystals just ignore them, or find yourself a new-age witch!
Carrier - A carrier is someone that is infected with a disease (usually zombie flu) and they can be identified by sweating, coughing, and a pasty complexion. They usually spend half the film trying to hide a nasty, infected wound from the rest of the group, before finally going batshit crazy and trying to eat people. To prevent this, everyone in your group of survivors should be naked at all times. Sexy Parties are optional.
Cabin - If you go to a cabin there is a good chance you will die! On the other hand they make great venues for a relaxing weekend vacation, so the risk may be worth it. Just check the nearby area for ancient buriel plots first. And take enough bed linen, you don't want to get a chill.
Canada - Canadiens have banned all violence, and even rudeness of any kind, so a horror movie situation is unlikely to occur there. If possible we should all relocate to Canada and spend our retirement watching back-to-back episodes of 'Due South'.
Castle - If you get invited to stay the night at an old, rundown castle then you should respectfully decline. Likewise, if a distant relative dies and leaves you a property in their will then you should sell it on immediately. If however you have the means to build your own castle then this would be a wonderful asset during a zombie apocalypse. A well-dug moat could keep you safe for years.
Colt - Whether a horse or a gun, a Colt is useful to have. Just make sure you know which one you have. A horse will not appreciate you trying to loads bullets into it and a gun will not be happy being kept in a stable.
Chocolate - A little known fact is that the accomplished spree killer, Michael Myers, is a fanatic for chocolate. In fact he will happily spare you for a Cadbury Cream Egg or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Bear that in mind when Halloween 36 hits the cinemas later this year.
Cats - A 'black' cat = Evil! Other types of cats = Evil. All cats are Evil!
Cricket Bat - The modern and fashionable way to cave zombie's heads in. If you go to war with anything else then you are just not cool, sir.
Christmas Carols - If you turn up at my door singing 'Old King Wenceslas' then I will kill you!
Corporations - Corporations create monsters, mutants, deadly viruses, and Coke Cola. All of these things are evil. If you work nine to five for a large multi-facted business then you may be contributing to our eventual extinction. How could you!
Christianity - Christians are great when coming up against the devil. They will give you time to run away while they attempt to teach Lucifer the error of his ways. The bible can also be used effectively as a bludgeoning weapon, or you can use it to stand on and reach high places.
Coven - A coven is a social club for broody lesbians. If you are stuck in a horror movie and need help, you can ask a coven to provide a backing soundtrack for you. They will happily chant incantations while you take it to the bad guy. This won't really provide you with much assistance, but will at least set the right atmosphere.
City - A city is a breeding ground for serial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults. Move to the countryside now!
Countryside - The countryside is a breeding ground for seial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults. Move to the city now!
D
Dogs - When not rabid, dogs are heroic creatures that will die trying to save you towads the end of the film.
Drugs - If you do drugs then you will die. Not because of the damage they do to your internal organs but because of the fact that a homicidal maniac can smell a junkie a mile off. (See Taryn White in Nightmare on Elm Street 3). The smell of marijuana is like catnip to a killer.
Dragons - Dragons are huge beasts that all talk like Shawn Connery. They exist in deep underground caves in Wales and, if you unleash them upon the earth, you will have to get a young Christian Bale to save you.
Dagon - An evil demi-god that smells of fish. If you live near the sea then there is always a chance that you will encounter Dagon, or one of his minions. In such situations, you should reduce him to tears by explaing the current over-fishing crisis that affect many regions of the world. Together you can then join Greenpeace and fight for a better world (Or have golf balls hit at you by an angry Bruce Willis on an oil rig).
Denmark - A great place for bacon.
Darth Vader - Should you find Darth Vader wandering around in a horror movie, please direct him to the Science Fiction department. With his large mask and helmet, he has a tendency to get lost. Please ensure that he also takes his asthma medication.
Danny DeVito - This diminutive actor is not all that he seems. In fact he is a secret embassador from the planet Zog. His regular reports on humanity and its exploits will later determine our fates in the wider universe.
Demons - Ugly creatures that like to insert themselves inside little girls...Gary Glitter is a demon and can be identified by his pointed beard and prepensity for glittery pants. Demons are also big fans of obscenity and green vomit. It was once thought that George W. Bush jr was a demon, hellbent on destroying the earth, but it was later determined that he lacked appropriate intelligence.
Derp - See George W. Bush jr.
Derpette - See Sarah Palin
Danger Signs - In horror movies, it is a requirement that all danger signs be erected amongst large, overgrown foliage where they cannot be easily seen. Alternatively they can be written in a foreign language.
Dinosaur - If an island is deserted for long enough, it will attract Mad Scientists that wish to populate it with prehistoric creatures. These creatures will eat you, even if you manage to hide in a poorly-built toilet cubicle. You can spot the prescence of Dinosaurs by huge mounds of poo or by anyone that claims to be a paleontologist.
Dracula - Like all foreigners, Dracula likes to take our women. Whether he will later move on to take our jobs is unknown. If you encounter a man with a slick-backed hairdo from the 20s, then you my be in danger of a vampire attack. If said man lives in a large Romanian Castle then you can be sure of it. One has to wonder if the undead have to pay property taxes.
Dinner - Never agree to eat dinner at the home of strangers, especially if they live in the middle of nowhere. There is every chance that you will be eating the remains of your friend that mysteriously went missing earlier on.
Dead Body - Never lean close to a dead body. If it is a zombie, it will bite you. If it's not then it will just smell really bad.
Diamond Mines - If Tim Curry approaches you to help him find the lost city of Zinj then you should walk away slowly before turning to run whilst shouting 'Congo sucked, you were better in IT.
Deserts - Deserts are not happy places. They are home to inbred pychopaths, Nuclear testing sites, and many episodes of The X Files. Plus getting sand in your underwear sucks more than anything. After an hour alone in the desert you will be praying for something to come and stab you to death.
Daniel Larusso - There are many situations in which the Karate Kid would be useful, but in a horror film scenario, a flimsy Crane Kick just isn't gonna cut it! Mr Miyagi on the other hand...
Devil - The Devil is in the details, so avoid instruction manuals at all costs.
Deadites - Freaky-ass zombie/demon hybrids that live in the woods. You can either hire out Bruce Campbell for the day to deal with them, or alternatively attach a chainsaw to your left hand whilst holding a book of witty one-liners in your other.
E
Earth - Our planet is the most desirable place to lived in the entire multiverse, which is why waves of various alien species are always trying to take it from us. It is the space version of a vacation house in Florida.
Eggs - Eggs are very very bad - especially if they are about to hatch. To prevent the inherent danger of 'eggs' apply flamethrower as soon as possible. If a flamethrower is not available you best get stamping!
Evil - The opposite of 'not-evil' and is the reason that all killers exist - either that or their poor upbringing. At most local chemists you can find 'evil litmus paper' kits in order to detect the prescence of a killer. You should hold one of the detection strips up to the person in question and ask them to breath onto its surface. If that person then chooses instead to stab you in the eye socket, they are indeed evil and you should be very proud of yourself for identifying them. Even if you are dead.
Engleburt Humperdink - The epitome of horror...
Ernest - Ernest may have saved christmas but he can't save you!
Echo - If you hear an echo then you are inside a cave. Caves have bats. Bats are Vampires. You should leave.
Elevator - Elevators are designed to get stuck, preferably between floors so that passengers have to crawl out a of small gap that could possibly slice them in half. Other passengers in an elevator are also not what they seem: they could even turn out to be the devil, or someone that likes to cut disgusting farts in confined spaces. Take the stairs.
Emo - Emo kids speak about death constantly so please let's just give it to them. Let's give it to them all.
Email - Yes you really can increase the size of your penis, and that young Russian girl really could use your help. The Internet is full of monsters trying to destroy you and email is their biggest weapon.
F
Fat - Fat people are very slow. If you surround yourself with fat people you will have a far better chance of outrunning a killer or some zombies. You'll just have to put up with the body odours and the fact that they will keep complaining about the emergency rationing that you have had to put into place.
Fantasy - In a horror movie, if you fantasize about something that is too good to be true - IT IS! You will eventually snap out of your daydreams of love and happiness to find that you are indeed still stuck in that hole underground and nobody is coming to help you. See The Descent for example.
Fangs - Avril Lavigne has fangs. Does this mean that she is a vampire? Probably, but there is also a chance that she is a werewolf. Regardless, people with fangs want to bite you, so stay away from them; Avril Lavigne included.
Final Fantasy 7 - Look out for that crazy giant snake in the desert part of the map! You will need a chocobo to get passed, or a Celine Dion CD. Crazy giant snakes hate Celine Dion!
Feast - A feast will consist of your sister for starters, your best friend for main course, and YOU for dessert. Never agree to a feast with anyone in a horror movie!
Fan - If you are lucky enough to be famous during a horror movie situation then you should avoid anyone that puports to be your 'greatest fan' like the plague. While these people will at first seem normal, and even likeable, they will slowly degenerate into twisted, bi-polar maniacs that will stalk you relentlessly until you are forced to strangle them to death with a pair of your own underwear that they stole.
Finland - Finland has Trolls and snow. Both of these things are bad.
Freddie Kruegar - Despite some problems in his past, Freddie Kruegar is now doing very well. He is happily married to his high school sweetheart and holds a junior executive position at Microsoft. He does not have children.
French - French people do not make good allies in a horror movie. They will either give you up to the killer or run away never to be seen again. Another likely scenario is that they will get themselves captured, leaving you having to save them. They will not thank you afterwards.
Firearms - Firearms are very good against zombies, but very bad against everything else. A bullet won't kill Dracula. It will just piss him off!
Frodo - Frodo Baggins is a reformed drug dealer from the Shire that went on to save the world. His constant drug pushing prior to this led to a epidemic of severely stunted growth in his home town of Bag End.
Fender - Playing guitar in a horror movie makes you cool, so you just might live. Conversely, playing the flute or xylophone will result in a swift and painful death for you. The harpsicord is a grey area so feel free to try it.
Fast - Fast running is good! Fast driving is irresponsible and in a horror movie will get you killed. The car will crash and then, after a suitably dramatic length of time has passed, it will explode with you in it.
Flash - If you see a flash you most likely just witnessed a nulear explosion nearby. You have three seconds to get underground before your toast! It may also be an MIB agent wiping your mind, which is good. Ask them to also remove that memory of when you accidentally saw your sister naked in the shower. Also ask them to erase the knowledge that is wasn't really an accident.
Flask - Anti-heroes have silver flasks full of whiskey that they can swig from at key times - usually when they are standing against the backdrop of a ruined city or dying sunset. Anti-heroes live though, so get a hip-flsk today!
Feisty - Feisty women make it through to the end of horror movies alive, so start learning how to be a bitch as soon as you can.
Flap Jacks - An ideal addition to your zombie survival rations, and delicious too! Get baking, damn it, but remember to keep them away from the 'fat' members of your group!
Friends - Friends are useful to have, but please be aware that your very bestest buddy in the whole world, that you have known all of your life, will suddenly turn out to be the killer because of some long-held irrational resentment that they have of you - like the fact you stole their favourite no. 2 pencil in kindergarten. Your lesser-liked friends will die before you, so keep a good supply to use as kill-fodder.
The popular TV series, Friends, is absolutely full of subtle tips about how to survive a horror film or zombie apocalypse. Watch more carefully and you will see them. Marcel the monkey knows far more then it would first appear...
Fish - There are two types of fish. Piranhas, that will strip the flesh from your bones if you ever dare enter water, and then there is Cod, which is delicious. There are no other kinds of fish.
Frisky - If you get frisky, you will die. Keep those dirty mits to yourself!
Finish - Always finish the bad guy. They are not really dead yet - just stunned.
G
Ghosts - Ghosts are dead people with a poor sense of direction. Upon their deaths, instead of walking towards the blindingly obvious 'bright light' they wandered in the opposite direction and now wander the earth aimlessly. Eventually becoming frustrated by their own stupidity, these disembodied spirits take out their anger on the living - especially familys that have just brought houses at unbelievable bargain prices. If you see a five-bedroom Georgian mansion for sale at an ultra-low price, hire an Exorcist first!
Gadafi - General Gadafi of Libya is one of the 'Crab People'. An ancient race of crustaceon interlopers from the planet Soth Par. He can be eliminated by boiling him alive and garnishing his remains with garlic butter.
Gatsby - Gatsby is a character from an old book that everyone tells you is a 'classic', but upon reading it you discover that it is a horrying example of snooty, high-brow, stodgy writing that nobody ever 'really' enjoys. Avoid this book at all costs as it will make your eyes bleed. Try reading The Shining; now that's a classic.
Ghoul - A ghoul is a bit like a zombie, except less dumb. You can tell a ghoul by the pale, rotting skin, and an obsession with cheese doritoes. If you are unsure whether or not a person is a ghoul, offer them a tube of pringles. If they decline and moan the word 'Doooriiiitooooes!' they are most definately a member of the undead.
Germany - Home to nazi-zombies, nazi-vampires, nazi-werewolves, and nazi-demons. Also: Pork Snitzel and Pumpernickel.
Garfield - All cats are evil! Even lazy, talking ones...ESPECIALLY lazy, talking ones.
Grand Canyon - A big hole in the ground. Avoid falling in!
Great Lakes - Several big puddles in the ground. Avoid falling in.
Great Pyramids - Giant skateboard ramp. Get gnarly!
Great Britain - Not so great! But did give us Giles from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Win!
Great Gatsby - See above.
Great Kahli - Seriously!
Guest - If you are a guest at a dinner party, you may die. Especially if the host is mysterious and not someone you know.
Germs - Germs were created by God to turn us all into zombies, but as long as they keep giving us alcohol rub at the airport we will all be okay. Germs can also make you poo lots, which can be fun or painful depending on how much you enjoy pooing.
Greg Pitt - Lesser-known brother of Brad and a member of the New World Order, the clandestine organisation that secretly runs the world. How else did you think Brad got so famous? His acting? Pah!
Gun - Good at killing zombies and makes you look cool, but you risk attracting both NRA members and anti-gun lobbyists; both groups are annoying. Thankfully though you can shoot them both dead because you have a gun.
Gangsters - Sometimes gangsters find their way into a horror film. They take this opportunity to stop being reprehensible criminals and instead become anti-heroes. See George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn.
Gas - If you smell gas, three things are possible. 1. There is a leak and the building is about to blow up. 2. You are being poisoned. 3. Someone just cut a disgusting fart. All three things mean certain death (except for the third one).
God - I'm not even going there!
H
Hillary Clinton - Hillary Clinton is a 'body-snatcher' and had once intended to use her husband/man-puppet to enslave the world. Unfortunately he could not keep it in his pants and we were left with George Bush instead - although he was almost just as much a threat to the free-world as any body-snatcher could be.
HAL - Hal was an AI-governed machine that got insanely drunk one night and tried to take out his rotten hangover the following morning on the inhabitants of a spaceship. The lesson that HAL gave to us all was that machines should not drink - not even light-ale.
Hockey - A hockey stick makes a good weapon against a killer but eventually it will snap into pieces and leave you defensless. A hockey skate can be used to slit throats but is more likely to be emplyed by the bad guy against you. Hockey masks have been trademarked by Jason Vorhees so you can't use them in any fashion in a horror film or else his mother will sue you (and you really don't wanna mess with that bitch!).
Hasslehoff - The 'hoff' has more magical power in just his chest hair alone that he could easily take on any supernatural threat to humanity with ease. Unfortunately he is deluded and self-centred and would refuse to offer any kind of assistance unless you pay him obscene amounts of money.
Hangman - If you encounter a hangman then its already too late for you. It's even worse than bumping into 'electric-chair guy' or 'lethal-injection dude'.
Hatchet - A hatchet is typically a weapon of the bad guy, but you could potentially meet a friendly Indian (Native American), and if they offer you the use of their hatchet then you should feel free to use it. Sharpen it first though; there's nothing worse than a pefectly-aimed hatchet toss that results in the blade bouncing off someone's head and leaving nothing but a nasty bruise.
Harmonica - If you hear a harmonica then you are in the 'deep south'. The deep south is full of redneck rapists and cannibals, as well as awful banjo music. If you are in the deep south you should head north immedietly, ignoring any police officers with mirrored-sunglasses that tell you to 'getch yer ass in ma car!' You may also bump into Britney Spears and if you do you should kill her. Why? Just cus...
Hate - You may find this tattooed across the knuckles of your roommate in prison. If that is the case then I am glad I am not you!
Herpes - This disease gives you blisters on your winky! If that isn't horror I don't know what is.
Heads - Heads are good when they are attached to a neck; if they are not attached to a neck then that is very bad. If you see a head on a spike then this is even worse. Remove the head and use the spike to arm yourself immediately.
Hot Sauce - Can be used to kill mafia goons with stomach ulcers (see Dumb and Dumber). Is delicious with chicken.
I
Investigate - Investigating will get you killed. That noise that sounded like someone crying out for help was your postman being stabbed to death in the back of his van. It's a shame, but there's nothing you can do for him, so sit back, switch on the TV and never ever investigate!
Indonesia - Indonesia is full of scary market stalls that sell snake's blood and lizard feet. They are great places to visit when trying to fulfil a voodoo recipe, but other than that there is no reason to go. Also, if their police catch you with the tiniest bit of marijuana, they will sentence you to a thousand years in a sub-human prison cell.
Ivan - Anyone with this name is usually a bad guy. The same goes for anyone named Vlad.
Internet - The Internet is for porn. Also it is for researching stories about 'that girl that drowned ten years ago and now seems to have come back to kill the local teenagers'. Be sure to avoid chatrooms as these are 100% populated by twisted pedophiles wearing their dead mother's dresses and going by the name Jeanie-May.
Identity - Everyone has an identity. If you have two then you are a schizophrenic serial killer; sorry!
Ink - All contracts should be signed with ink. If anyone ever tells you to sign one in blood then politely decline as you are about to make a deal with the Devil.
Incans - If you find anything left behind by Incans - coins, pots, bones etc - it will be cursed. If you value your health then you will avoid anything to do with the Incans. Aztecs and Mayans too. They were all bad.
Ill - If one of your group becomes ill then lock them in a closet. They are going to become a zombie or are possessed by an alien parasite. They could also have been bitten by that cute little monkey from 'Outbreak'.
Irritating - If you irritate people in a horror movie then I'm afraid you will die. The killer will stab you to death and, even worse, no one will care.
Iceland - Iceland has snow zombies and Bjork. I can't say which is more dangerous, but both will attack you upon sight.
Ignorance - Ignorance will get you killed. No one likes a dumb-fuck in a horror movie. If someone asks you the capitol of France and you don't know, you will die!
iTunes - iTunes is a parasite from mars, causing your muscles to wate away. Every song you purchase takes money from your wallet and will eventually escalate to a point where you can no longer afford to feed yourself. Your death will be slow and drawn-out as the application tears at your very soul with rare hits from the 80s.
Incoming - If someone shouts this then you better bloody duck. If someone shouts it whilst you are on a boat then I hope you can swim! If you are a woman and a man shouts this during sex, you should dump him.
J
Juice - Juice on its own is fine in a horror film, but Gin and Juice will attract Snoop Doggy Dog who will pop a cap in your mo' fuckin ass! If you've seen the film bones you will see that he ain't a pimp you wanna mess with.
Jail - If you are being hunted by a supernatural killer and the police try to keep you safe inside one of their cells, then yo ass is doomed. The killer will enter the precinct and decapitate every officer on the force before finding you trapped in a cage as if you were a birthday present.
Jack Black - The rotund comedien is useless in a horror film other than providing a rocking backing track. He couldn't help Matthew Broderick against the Cable Guy, and he can't help you.
Jeff Jarret - A disciple of the Devil, sent to corrupt our souls by televising really bad wrestling events that feature nonsensical storylines and geriatric performers.
Jupiter - If you can get to Jupiter during a horror film than you should be safe. Everyone knows that all the aliens are on Mars. Avoid Pluto however as it is full of Disney characters.
Jump - Jumping out of a window to escape bad guy = Good. Jumping across the gap between the rooftop of two buildings = Bad.
K
Kylie Minogue - The princess of the ancient pixie clan of downunderoth. Feeds on the souls of teenage girls and midde-aged men. She must be stopped by improving our tastes in popular music.
Kangaroo - A kangaroo cannot help you in a horror movie. An army of genetically engineered Kangaroos however...
Key - Mysterious keys left behind by dead relatives always lead to a dusty old chest in their attics. Best you just leave that old thing closed...seriously, you don't need to know what's in there.
Kaboom - Kabooming the bad guy is the only way to be sure they are dead. Stabbing and shooting will not stop a masked serial killer permanently. Only strapping a bomb and kaboombing them will do this.
Kilimanjaro - Mountains have yetis and other mysterious monsters. If you are planning to climb a mountain oon then you should ensure you pack both a shotgun and copious amounts of energy bars.
Kirsty Allie - Kirsty Allie hungry. Kirsty Allie will eat you! Cheers ruled...
Knife - This common, everyday kitchen implement accounts for 94% of horror movie deaths. That is why we should all sign an international treaty that replaces all knives with plastic 'sporks'. It's the only way we will survive people.
Kong - Big monkey. Bad!
Klingons - Wrong genre. You should be in the A to Z of how to survive a Sci-Fi movie
L
Lake - A lake is home to drowned children and vengeful spirits. Do not think about taking a small wooden rowboat across a lake and falling asleep, because when you awake a demon child will drag you beneath the surface and eat you. Alternatively, you should not stay the night at a cabin by the lake as you will be stalked by a knife-wielding maniac.
Lycanthrope - What would usually be called a werewolf, is now called a lycanthrope, due to fans of Twilight and other assorted monstrosities. A lycanthrope is a wolf that has the ability to change into a long-haired nancy-boy that has a fetish for high school girls. To kill a lycanthrope, give Jack Nicholson a call and tell him to watch Twilight: New Moon. The prolific actor will fly into a inconsolable rage and proceed to extinguish all emo-related wolf-boys on the planet.
Lemmings - Lemmings can be set to explode after a 10 second timer. Do not be near them when this happens. They can also fly with umbrellas.
Luther Vandross - Motown legend and arch-enemy of Superman.
Lincoln - US President famous for freeing the slaves. Little did people know that Lincoln was actually a robot being controlled by Gary Coleman's great great great Grandfather who was hiding under his hat. What you talkin bout Lincoln!
London - The capital city of Victorian killers. Whether having a hair cut or just trying to eke out a modest living by having sex with men for money, a victorian killer will find you and cut your throat with a razor blade. Then a group of roguish children with flatcaps and bad teeth will rob your corpse.
Leprosy - If one of your friends starts to fall apart piece by rotting piece, then they may have leprosy. You should ostracise them immedietly, perhaps finding some sort of 'colony' where they can be among their own kind, lest they infect you with their dirty devil-plague.
Lead - If you need to hide from an evil Super Hero, such as Super Man in that one film where he flicks peanuts in the bar, then you should find a shed made of lead. A super hero cannot detect you in a lead box and thus will not kill you. The lead poisoning will do that...
Leroy Clinton - Bill Clinton's secret lovechild with Bill Cosby, who happens to secretly be an elderly black woman pretending to be a lovable male comedian. Leroy Clinton is a republican and an avid supporter of equal rites in America.
Lunatic - There are two types of a lunatic. The first is a crazy homeless person that warns you about some impending doom; these lunatics should be listened to because ten years before they were the world's leading scientist in Applied Astro Physics hunted down by a shadowy corporation and forced into hiding. The second kind of lunatic will hide his face and carry a knife. You should ignore any advice given by these types of lunatics and instead run away.
Lust - Lust will get you killed in a horror movie - especially if Kevin Spacey is going around killing sinners. You should refrain from lust and instead devote yourself to the pursuit of scientology. Tom cruise never dies in movies and this is because of his belief that we all descended from space robots...or something.
Lump - Lumps on your body are not good and you should get them checked out. Chances are is that they are filled with evil alien parasites, waiting to burst forth and infect the earth. You should use a reliable topical cream and wash regularly with a anti-allergenic loofer.
M
Monster - A monster can take many forms, from vampires, werewolves, and zombies, to scientologists and French Canadians. Each different kind of monster requires a different tactic to defeat. In the case of a scientologist, you should just confront them with common sense - they will run away screaming!
Montana - Montana has mountains. Mountains contain threats such as Yetis, Leapords, and Cannibals. Basically everything in the moutains wants to eat you. In conclusion, don't bloody climb mountains.
Mordor - Mordor is a constitional monarchy off the coast of Venuzuela. It is a well-known exporter of jewlery and fanciful rings. Their headquarters is currently based at the top of an active volcano, which seems like a bad idea to me.
Marzipan - "Shudder".
Monkeys - Monkeys carry diseases and like to throw their own feces - both very good reasons to avoid them.
Monk - When fighting evil, monks will always know a ten-thousand year old secret to killing the bad guy. But rather than give this information to you directly, they will instead offer some cryptic advice that will allow you to find the answer on your own (after all of your friends have died). Monk also refers to Tony Shaloub - "shudder".
Madonna - An ancient demon from he dawn of time - she keeps herself alive by consuming the hair of young starlets. Britney Spears was her latest victim.
McDonalds - McDonalds have information concerning an ensuing iceage that could end humanity. To combat this, they wish to overfeed the nation to the point that we can all hibernate through the approaching winter by sustaining ourself with the high-levels of stored body fat - much like a North American bear.
Monty O'Bama - The president's "special" cousin that lives in the attic of The Whitehouse. He likes to eat salmon on Tuesdays, but prefers to eat crayons on all other days.
Mission - Any mission in a horror film will begin with a team of cocksure marines that are going into a 'hotzone' to control a relatively mundane threat. Due to some unfortunate set of circustances, the situation will escalate to involve sand demons and devil worshippers, or some sort of ancient creatures released from that cave made out of skulls that they probably should have left alone.
N
Nails - If a guy has nails sticking out of his head then you should probably excuse yourself quietly. Certainly DO NOT ask him for DIY advice.
Never - If you say 'never' in a horror film then that impossibility will most certainly occur. A serial killer has been chopping people up? That would 'never' happen here! CHOP!
Nickel - The most evil of all american coins. Do touch them. Don't even look at them...
Nile - In real life, sometime people get eaten by crocodiles in the river Nile. In a horror film, people WILL get eaten by crocodiles. Then they will get reanimated by an Egyptian pharoah and made to go on tour as one of Lady GaGa's backing dancers.
NBA - Nigel's Big Afro.
Nibbles - In a horror film, whenever someone offers you nibbles, such as cheesy poofs, you will at some point notice a severed finger in the bowl or bag. Hopefully you will realise this before eating it and not after. Brings a whole new meaning to the term: 'finger-food'.
Necks - Necks get broken or bitten by Vampires in horror films, so if you have one you're probably better just leaving it at home.
Nipples - My nipples are very sensitive. How bout yours?
Nelly - Nelly has a zobie infection that he has somehow managed to contain for several years in secret. Why else does he always wear that plaster on his cheek? He is either a zombie or has a severe immunity weakness that prvents his body from healing even the smallest cuts.
Nub - Left arm plus killer's machete = Nub.
O
Oscar the Grouch - Toxic Avenger's grumpy cousin. Works as a Private Investigator currently trying to bring down a Pedaphile ring on Sesame Street. He hopes to find incrimnating evidence in the resident's bins. Despite being on the side of good, he has a taste for human flesh.
Ottomon Empire - Mid-history nation that struck fear into the hearts of their enemies with their highly weaponised footstools and other assorted furniture. If you see an Ottoman man (?) then you should fight back with Georgian dinner chair.
Otters - If an otter attaches itself to your face during a horror film, just go with it!
Operation - In a horror film all operations will result in you awaken without any kidneys or as a soul detatched from your body, wandering around the hospital and trying to avoid Patrick Swayze.
Organ - Organ music means the Phantom of the Opera is about to descend upon you. Either that or you are about to be deafened by German synth-pop. If a stranger offers you his organ in a dark alleyway then never ever say yes.
Outnumbered - If you are outnumbered then don't expect Gandalf to come running down the hill on a horse to save you. That would be how to survive a fantasy movie. This is horror. Don't worry if you are outnumbered in a Tarantino movie - you won't ever run out of bullets.
Oil - If a strange black oil slick moves across a lake towards you then you should probably be moving on. You're either in a Stephen King movie r the Gulf of Mexico (too soon?)
P
Pinhead - After a particularly bad injury at work, Pinhead sued his employer and used the procedes to set up a batchelor pad in Hell. His Thursday night parties are becoming increasingly popular and Johnny Depp is known to be a frequent attendee.
Pumpkin Head - Again, after a particularly nasty accident at work, Pumpkin Head sued the farm that he worked on and used the procedes to set up an entertainment company. He is available for weddings.
Pox - If someone in a horror movie comes down with the good ol' 'pox' then it would probably be best to call a Doctor or House MD. Despite Hugh Laurie's utter rudeness, he will find time in the last five minutes to have a wonderful breakthrough and cure your condition.
Prostitute - Prostitute's typically get murdered in horror films so if you ae a hooker, I suggest that you stop. Giving massages with 'happy endings' may be okay but make sure that the only reason you are doing it is to pay your colleg tuition - this is the only acceptable reason in a horror movie if you wish to live.
Pistol - If you are based in the 1940s up against demon-possessed Nazis in an ancient castle then a pistol may be a common means of defense. In a modern-day horror film however they are a little bit girly. You should replace the pistol with a 'hand cannon'.
Pasta - Pasta is a healthy, easily preserved staple food that is ideal during a zombie-siege situation. Macaronis is best but fusilli will suffice in a pinch. Zombie surivors cannot afford to be picky.
Police - In a horror film where you are being held captive, a police officer will always come to question your tormentors but will then leave, satisfied with the answers. Just as the officed is about to get in his car, you will manage to knock something over in the basement and alert him. By this time, however, it is too late and the officer will then turn around only to be stabbed or shot. Makes you wonder why they always decide to investigate kidnapping cases solo.
Parasite - Someone that collects wellfare could be considered this, but in a horror movie they are typically little slug like creatires that enjoy entereing people's noses or eyes. The best bet is to burn them, or get really drunk to dehydrate them if they are inside your body. Lady Gaga is infected with several martian parasites and this at least explains her fashion choices.
Paris Hilton - Paris Hilton is a biological weapon constructed by a terrorist organisation to infect all human males with syphilis. Her mission is simple: sleep with the entire male population and destroy us all.
Pigs - Pigs are cute, but pig-masks are not. Someone wearing a pig-mask will undoubtedly wish to kill you so run away. Rosie O'Donnel is not wearing a pig-mask - that's just her face.
Puppies - Puppies are the cutest thing know to man, but in a horror movie they will always end up dead, hanging in your closet. As a result, all puppies are henceforth banned from horror movies.
Q
Quill - If you see someone writing with a quill then you are in the old times. The old times are subject to bubonic plague, werewolves, and dragons. Also a weird old woman with a messed-up white eye.
Quick - In a horror movie, being quick is good. It is also very good to shout 'come on, quick' at your fellow survivors wherever possible. In a horror movie, any sexual encounters will also be 'quick' due to editing constraints.
Quest - A quest is more the realm of fantasy than horror, but if you do find yourself questing in a horror film then you should don your level 8 machete of wounding and get your kill on.
Queensland - Queensland is in Australia. In Australia, everything wants to kill you!
Quip - The more heroic quips you can make in the face of danger, the more likely you are to make it to the end. You will still likely die hoever, but rest assured you will have a suitably witty one-liner prepared for just that occasion.
R
Robert the Bruce - Trusting Robert the Bruce will result in your being hung, drawn, and quartered. If you bump into this historic Scot, then please slap the git in the face and say 'that's for Braveheart, you bitch.'
Randy Savage - Randy Savage was our only hope in defeating the abominable Hulk Hogan and his evil deeds of self-promotion and backstabbing. The world is a less tolerable place now that he is gone. Randy Poffo RIP.
Rickshaw - If you find yourself on the back of a Rickshaw then you may be in China. In China you will be abudcted so that your organs can be sold on the black market. Good luck to you. You may also get Bird Flu.
Razor - A man with a razor will most likely try to slash your throat, but a man 'called' Razor will probably be a badass anti-hero that will save your sorry ass. If you plan on kicking some zombie butt, then perhaps you should consider changing your name to Razor?
Reel - If you find an old-fashioned film reel the it will certainly contain footage of a snuff film. You will then begin a life-consuming obssession to discover the identity of the girl in the film and bring her killers to justice. You WILL enter a murky underworld of pornography and you WILL get a little bit arroused by it.
Reality Show - In a horror movie, all reality shows are evil. They are either TV deathmatches set in the future, enjoyed by millions, or seedy little torture games watched by a select group of millionaires. Either way, don't apply to be on one.
Russians - Russians are badguys - that's what they are there for. So in any horror movie that contains a Russian, always keep one eye on him and be sure to blame him for stuff whenever you get the chance. The Russian is quickly becoming replaced by the' Arab'.
Republicans - Repubicans are all secret drug-smoking, abortion supporting, prostitute-killing, atheists that spend most of their time arguing to the contrary. They do not like foreigners, and play a lot of golf.
Ready or not - Do not play hide and seek in a horror movie. You will not like what you find.
Rich - Anyone rich in a horror mvie is evil. They will pay to watch you killed or pay to create an immortality serum that actually creates zombies instead. Anyone with the name, Rich, will probably be okay though - unless their surname is 'Simmons'.
S
Sex - Oh yes! Sex is good, but in a horror movie it is bad. If you starting humping a pretty girl, then she will probably grow big teeth and eat you, or if she is innocent a big machete-wielding maniac will come up behind you and show you the true meaning of the word 'pentration'.
Sugar - If someone in your group is consuming a lot of sugar then they are being controlled by some sort of insectoid parasite. Ask them to switch to sweeteners and if they try to tear your face off with their toes, you can be pretty sure that they are beyond saving.
Slippery - If you are walking along in the dark and suddenly step in something slippy, you have just steeped in the bloody remains of your best friend. Best bet is to just keep on walkin', pardner.
Slug/Snake/Scorpion - Anything in a horror film that spends its time crawling around on the floor needs to be stepped on immedietly. To avoid these things, you shold probably stay out of the jungle, unless you are looking for a rare flower that is the only hope of curing your dying wife.
Satan - The Big Bad. Currently the head of Wal-Mart, Satan is a big believer in high-volume, low prices. He is also a grade 7 pianist and a fond lover of Opera. In a horror film he will try and rip your face of and paint the walls with your blood.
Sand - Beaches are great, but if you ever find sand coming from 'above you' then you have been buried alive. Or you are in a sandstorm. Both are pretty bad so I'd suggest a nice lay down while you think about your life and how to save it.
Stupid - In a horror movie, stupid = dead. Don't be stupid; take that college course. The more you know, the better you will do, but don't learn too much. The geek always dies in a horror movie.
Skin - In a horror movie, people may be hiding things beneath their skin. To counter this, everyone in your group should slice their arms with a blade to show that they bleed real blood and that they are human.
Slime - Stay away from Slime!
Slimer - Stay away from Slimer! The little green bastard will get gunk all over you.
Stream - A gentle stream can be relaxing and a good form of refreshment. However, if you discover that you have passed the same stream SIX FREAKIN TIMES, then you are in the Blair Witch Project and no one can help you.
Stink - If something in that old abanondoned house stinks then it is either a dead body or a crazy cat-lady. Just get out of there and go to Taco Bell instead.
T
Thailand - Don't get caught with drugs in Thailand - dear god, please don't! No one has heard from Joachim Phoenix every since he went there with Vince Vaughn.
Tether - A supernatural tether is a good thing as it keeps ancient spirits and demons dormant and harmless. This is why you shouldn't mess with anything in an ancient crypt or spooky castle. You break the tether you gonna pay for it.
Treat Williams - Whatever happened to that guy?
Tripwires - In a horror film, tripwires are handy for setting of bombs in the jungle to kill Predators, or for setting of lasers in evil gorrilas start attacking your encampent in the Congo. They can also be used on doorways to trip up your friends. It's hilarious.
Tranny - In a horror film, as in real life, a Tranny has the power to scare - and somewhat arouse - men to within an inch of their lives. If there's a tranny about, best that they are working with you than against you.
Transylvania - Used to be a cool place for evil to hang out. Now Vegas is the place to be.
Tits - Don't stare at tits for too long because they will distract you to the fact that the woman they belong to has just turned into a demon-bitch or vampire and will be planning on eating your head.
Tarantula - There had never ever been a Tarantula in any horror film that has been good. If it's furry and has eight legs, then you should get in your car and drive over it, urinate on the remains before setting fire to them, then bury the ashes in a church yard. If you fail to do any of this then you invite folly upon your lives.
Taxidermy - If someone invites you in and their house is full of stuffed animals, arm yourself with the nearest dead squirrel and prepare to defend yourself. Anyone that makes a table out of a Labrador is evil. If you find furniture made out of people parts then you are in the home of Ed Gein.
U
Unicycle - Anyone that drives to make an escape on a unicycle is asking for certain death. Rollerskates are a much better option.
Univited - Anyone that turns up at your door univited is either a demon, a ghost of a previous owner, or a salesman. You should take a shotgun to any of them.
Unearth - Don't unearth things in a horror movie. It's very bad.
Undead - There are two types of undead: Vampires and zombie. There are many debates to which is cooler, but after the Twilight movies and True Blood, it was decided that zombies are the best.
Unknown - We should not fear the unknown. We should fear things that we KNOW want to kill us.
Ultra-absorbant Tampons - A great way to staunch blood flow, or avoid embarassing incidents with the female apocalypse survivors in your group. They can also be used to make ear rings if this is absolutely necessary.
V
Virus - A virus in a horror movie will cause more than a common cold. It will cause throbbing ulcers and puss-filled boils that will result in your flesh peeling from your very bones. It may also cause zombie-itis or Rage-asemia.
Vixen - A female fox or a woman that will get you killed by leading you into a trap. The only way to resist their wiles is to be to not be a fox and to be gay.
Venezuela - Does this country actually do anything?
Vendetta - A killer-s vendetta will span generations and you might end up dead because of something your sweet old Grandma did. In a way a vendetta-killer is noble, which makes it a little bit sad when you are forced to lop his head off.
Villain - The bad guy in a horror film. Your aim is to kill him in the last ten minutes. The more friends you have left alive at the end, the more horror movie survival points you get.
Venom - Venom in a horror movie will melt your flesh from the inside out. If something bites you, pray that it was one of the female survivors being a bit randy. Anything else and you're a gonner.
Volume - If the volume on your TV is too loud, then you will miss the nasty monster creeping up behind you to steal your cheese poofs.
W
Wild West - As of late, the wild west is a magnet for aliens and the word 'Vs'. It is also has its share of vampires and demons, but a high number of Injun Shaman keep them in check.
Whisper - In a film you can whisper to your heart's content, only a few feet from the killer, and no one will hear you. You can plot elabrate plans with your friends, safe in the knowledge that you won't be detected.
Wind - A howling wind on a mist-covered night will attract cliche-demons. These are the worst kind for they will torture you to death with their unoriginality.
Witches - Ancient witches = evil. Modern witches = lesbians. Teenage witches = sexy.
Wanker - If you are an Englishman in a horror film then you are expected to say this at least once. Bollocks is an acceptable substitute.
Warlock - A male witch. Unless the warlock is Julian Sands, then there is little need to worry as a male witch is about as dangerous as a male nurse.
Winter - Winter has 46% more horror movie situations than Summer. One would advise an extended foreign vacation during the cold months.
Willy - A funny word for a penis. Ha!
Wrinkles - Wrinkled old ladies will curse you. Wrinkled old men will give you advice. Wrinkly babies are cute.
X
X-Ray - In a horror movie, X-Rays will also discover that you have something nasty growing inside of you, or a metal device implanted by aliens. They can also be used to find things stuck up your bum.
XXX - Porn in a horror movie will corrupt you into a seedy world of isolation and depravity. Masterbating on TV is banned anyway so what's the point?
X-Factor - God this shower fits into the horror genre, don't you think?
Xtreme - Anyone that spells the word like this is not.
Xenomorph - This little beauty will eat you eyeballs with its 'little mouth'. Tasty!
Y
Yellow - Yellow stuff is bad. Yellow blood is either alien of full of pus. Eggs are also yellow and in a horror movie, eggs are bad. Yellow is also an expression for cowardice. Being a coward is not going to get you through a horror film.
Yeti - The only known surviving yeti is currently living at Animal Kingdom in Orlando. He enjoys terrorising guests all day, but doesn't mean any harm really. His name is Eric.
Youtube - The only things that will survive a nuclear war are cockroaches and Youtube, which will have recorded the entire thing.
Yale Lock - In a horror film, locks do not work. The killer will get in no matter what, but at least you'll feel safer until then.
Z
Zoo - The zoo is full of dangerous animals. In a horror film what do you think is gonna happen. Stay away from the zoo, people.
Zeus - If you see Zeus then don't ask him to recharde your ipod unless you want a lightning bolt up your ass.
Zeal - All religious people that attain the rank of zealot will cause you all kinds of shit in a horror movie. Burn them on a cross, they will appreciate the irony.
Zack - The original Black Ranger is freakin awesome and may just save your sorry ass in a horror movie, but only if it's rated PG. Anything more adult than that and he has to go to bed.
Zoologists - Scientist in a horror movie are very helpful at giving you information about the blood-thirsty monster you just unearthed. Don't expect them to help you fight though; they're useless.
