Things That Chafe My Nut Sack #3

SELF PROMOTERS!!!

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Buy it! Buy it!  Buy it!

You get the idea....  I hate this!  Now, I must admit that on occasion I will post about my own work.  It is a necessary evil, but I do so perhaps once a month (if that).  I tend post a link to my books on the following occasions:

1: A book has just been launched and I want to let people know.

2: A book is available in a free promotion

That's it.  I don't see the need to post other than that.  Doing so does nothing as far as I am concerned.  I'll go into why later.

Now, a writer is by definition a smart and intelligent person.  They have to have a decent grasp of English and have a deep knowledge of general trivia and human psychology.  Of course that isn't always the case, but it should be.  So, as intelligent people, why do some writers think that constantly forcing their work down people's throats will find them success?  It's nuts!  Just think about what makes you buy something.  Would you buy a book from a guy who is spamming you every five minutes?  Would you heck!  No, I imagine most of you buy books for the following reasons:

1: You have enjoyed previous books from the author.

2: Somebody you trust told you the book was great.

3: You searched Amazon and enjoyed the book's description

4: You read some reviews and made an educated purchase.

At no point have you brought a book willingly because, 5: A guy battered you with Facebook posts until you spent you hard-earned cash on his book.

The thing that upsets me most is that I want to see other authors do well, and I see them making these mistakes and I cringe.  But most of these constant spammers lack the self-awareness to ever change.  You can't tell them to be any other way unfortunately.

Now, I hate talking like an authority on being a writer as I am just an infant in many ways, but I have achieved a decent living from my monthly book sales and I do so without ever resorting to the above, so I feel I have a certain right to make a public rant about this issue.  In the last two years, I have made self-promoting posts sparingly and instead try to interact with my fellow authors and fans as human beings, rather than dollar signs and download numbers.

And if you are a despairing reader, being barraged on all sides by mercenary authors, take solace in the fact that it's not just you.  Other authors get the same shit just as much.

I have other authors - some wannabee some established  - adding me on Facebook and then immediately sending me a Private Message.  What do these lovely people say?  Do they say: Hi Iain, pleased to meet you?  No, they say:  Hey Iain, love you work.  I have a new book coming out, wonder if you could spread the word (here they be links).  Now there are several things that piss me off about this (FYI, I have never introduced myself to author in this way.  Never!  In fact if I add an author, I usually do so as a fan and not a fellow writer).

1: "Hey Iain, love your work."  This annoys me because it's obvious this writer has not read my work.  They think I am so vain, that the briefest and vague complement at the beginning of the message is all it will take to manipulate me?

2: Secondly, it took me 2 years to build up my current network or friends, fans, and colleagues.  What makes this author feel they are entitled to it?  Why should I expose their work to my friends, just because they ask?

3: What are they going to do for me?  (sounds selfish but I will explain).

Anyway, a couple authors did this recently.  What did I do?  Well in this case, I did as they asked, but then I unfriended them.  I genuinely want to help other authors, so that's what I did, but I did so only once and then banned them.  Far as I'm concerned, if you behave this way you will not get ongoing support from me.  If you are a gentleman like Craig Saunders, Eric S Brown, David Wilibanks, Ian Woodhead, Bryan Alsapa, Ryan C Thomas, R Thomas Riley, Armand Rosamilia, Billie Sue Mossman (gentlewoman) and countless other authors whom I respect, then I will constantly do what I can to help spread work of your books.  Anybody that knows me, knows the following:

1: I will regularly do blog posts about other authors than about myself.

2: Most of my posts on Facebook are sharing the work of others.  (Probably 10 for everyone 1 I make about my own work)

3: I will almost always do a favour when asked.  I have endorsed books, done blog interviews, contacted local papers for other authors, set authors up with reviews, new fans, artists, and anything else they need.  I like to think other authors think of me as a pretty nice guy in general and this is mainly because they know they can come to me for a shoulder to cry on, a buddy to laugh with, and a friend to do them favours.  The caveat to this is that the relationship is organic.  I do them favours after knowing them a little while, not from the moment they meet me.

4: I am not selfish with advice.  I know a few things about making money from selling books.  Do I keep this advice from other authors to ensure I stay at the top?  No way.  If I learn something useful you can guarantee I will let other authors know about it.

5:  I often randomly share other authors links if I don't even know them.  If they seem polite, grateful, and respectful then I will often make the effort to help them without even knowing them.  You don't have to be my friend to get my help, just a decent human being.

Now, this selfless approach to publishing isn't completely selfless.  I am successful after all.  By being a nice guy and helping other people, I know that the following things will happen:

1:  Other authors will talk about me positively (even mentioning me in the acknowledgements of their books sometimes)

2:  On the rare occasions where I do try to promote my own work, these other authors will help me (without me even having to ask usually because they are nice human beings and want to return the favours I did for them).

3:  If anyone criticizes me, I have people who will jump to my defence.

4:  They will share their contacts with me (giving me access to other authors, artists, pubishers, etc)

5:  They will collaborate with me and share their network of fans with me.  (Eric S Brown lent a story to Animal Kingdom for free and Ryan C Thomas lent one to Sam).

So, in a nutshell.  I am making a living writing books, and in doing so, I have not pissed off another human being once.  I have not come across a single person badmouthing me.  And I have made some really great friendships.  I must be doing something right, huh?

Essentially, I am trying to give some advice here to other authors.  GIVE BEFORE YOU TAKE.  It may sound anti-intuitive but it works, I promise.  Don't be a douchebag and don't ram your work down people's throats.  If you're a good writer then slowly your positive reviews will build up, fans will flock to you, and sales will increase.  Word of mouth is organic, not forced.  It takes a while to get success and you can't make it happen any faster.  Just keep writing and putting out quality work and you will rise to the top.

And also, if you are an author who has just met me, bear the following in mind:

1: If your first contact with me asks for a favour, I will do it, but then I'll never speak to you again.

2: If the only time I ever hear off you is when you want something then I will eventually unfriend you.

3: If you want me to help you, then that is fine, but I want to see you helping other authors, too.  If I see you are someone who supports others then you can be absolutely sure that I will support you

4:  If I ever do say that I am too busy to help, then it is the truth.  I will always do so otherwise.

This brings me to another way to conduct yourself.  Be good to fans - don't treat them like indentured servants.

I once contacted an author called Rick Mofina.  I did so entirely as a fan.  I enjoyed his work and wanted to tell him.  So I did.  I sent him a quick message saying how much I enjoyed his last book.  His reply:  "Thanks, check out the next one at....."  That was it.  He said nothing else to me.  Never replied to my next message either, just rammed his next book down my throat.  I never brought another one of his books ever  again and I never will.  I will forever now think of Rick Mofina as a douchebag and I cannot enjoy a novel knowing that the guy who wrote it is a dick.  If he was kind to me then I might just be writing a chapter now about how talented a writer he is, but what goes around come around.  Be nice to your fans and they will be nice to you (which will mean more sales).

It genuinely dumbfounds me that any writer can not appreciate someone taking the time to, firstly buy your book, and then secondly contact you directly to thank you (you should be thanking them.  They gave you money).  When a fan contacts me I am 100% overjoyed and sincere in how I reply.  I reply immediately back to them and thank them.  I wish them well and tell them to keep in touch (and I mean it).  I try to email my fans regularly to stay in touch and to let them know I appreciate them as human beings and not commodities.  In my real life, I have no friends.  that sounds sad, but it is by choice.  I am very family orientated and don't feel a desire to socialize - it may be weird but it's just me.  I want to spend all my time with my partner, Sally.  She is all the friend I need.  Now if I go out, I am friendly and often make people laugh, but I take no relationships home with me.  I do not form bonds.  But for my fans I have genuine affection.  After family, they are the closest people in the world to me and I genuinely care about each and every one of them.  Without their support, reviews, and word of mouth, I would have to go back to doing a nine til five job and being miserable.  My welfare literally rests on their shoulders.  So how they hell could I ever be a cock to any of them?  How could I ever be too busy to reply?  How could I ever do what Rick 'fuckface' Mofina did to me?  The answer is that I couldn't, and if you are an author, neither should you!  Ever.  I don't care if you are Stephen King, if you have a fan contact you, you better say thank you and mean it.  Otherwise you don't deserve the easy living you have now or are hoping to have by being a writer.  You have to give back in this world.  You have to respect the fact that success is gained on the backs of other people and when you get up high you have to reach down and help those who helped you.  If you are a fan of mine, then I genuinely love you.  If you are a fan that is considering contacting me, do it!  I promise you that I will be happy to hear from you and will gladly be friends.

Anyway, that is enough of my rant for now.  I hope I don't seem like an arsehole, because in reality I try to be anything but.  I think I get so annoyed by selfish people because I am the opposite myself.  I know that by helping one another we will all be better off.

P.S.  Just want to wish everyone a big MERRY CHRISTMAS (to those who celebrate it) and a great start to the new year.  I will be taking a break till 2013 now, so I will not always be available to talk to or do favours.  I will be clearing my schedule of all jobs except the commitments I have to SalGad Publishing Group.  Christmas is very dear to me and, after years of working the unsociable hours of retail, I am now at a point where I can drop everything and enjoy being with family.  Then, on February 11th I will be getting married, followed by a three week vacation at Disneyworld (my favourite place on Earth) - so it will be a fair to say that my availability will be somewhat spotty until Spring.  Just know that during that time, you are all still important to me and I will be glad when I come back to see you all again  (I'll be bringing a new novel with me, so don't worry).  Merry Christmas everyone.

Iain Rob Wright

Things That Chafe My Nut Sack #2

Let me tell you about my bank, and just how clued-in they are to their own policies...

As an author, I make money in several countries.  My main income (marginally more so than my UK earnings) is in US Dollars.  Each month, I get a royalty check sent to me from a US bank, which I then pay into my own bank at whatever the prevailing exchange rate is on that day.  I usually get the money 5 days after I pay the cheque into my UK bank.  This has been the case for almost 18 months.

Until last month.  Last month I paid in a cheque and received a letter telling me that the most recent cheque I paid in would take 6 weeks or more to clear into my bank account.  I panicked.  Why did I panic?  Well, because that US cheque I get every month constitutes about 60% of my earnings.  It's my wage.  Imagine getting a letter from work one day telling you that 60% of your wage would be five weeks late (or longer).  It would be enough to get you breaking a sweat I'm sure.  The problem is that after over twelve months of my US cheques taking 5 days to clear, this one was suddenly going to take 6 weeks!  I budgeted on that money based on the time frame of the previous dozen cheques.  It wasn't unreasonable to expect that cheque to be paid in the same time as the others.  Was it?

So I called the bank.  I got through to some chick with a friendly voice that still managed to convey her complete disinterest.  After explaining my problem to her, she eventually came back with the wonderfully informative reply that, "It always takes 6 weeks, sir.  You were obviously just lucky with the previous cheques.  Was there anything else I can help you with?"

I said, "No," and the call ended, but I sat there, a little bit shocked to be honest.  Hold on a minute - I was just lucky?  What, with the previous 15/16 cheques I was just lucky, but now my luck had run out and it would take 6 weeks from now on?  She had told me, "It always takes 6 weeks."  Was she ignoring the fact that on her system it undoubtedly showed that not to be the case - that on 15 previous occasions it had not "always taken" 6 weeks.  I called them back.

Some other lady answered the phone this time and I explained that I was not happy with what I'd been told. What gives the bank the right to talk to me like a pest, an idiot that doesn't blindly accept the explanation that "It is what it is."  I felt like I was just supposed to accept that the bank would do what they wanted and I should just stop being a cry baby.  This woman seemed very upset that I was upset.  Would I like to speak to the complaints department.  Apparently I couldn't just complain to her and have her help me.  "Okay," I said, "Put me through to your Complaints Department."  No problem, she was happy to.  So I wait on hold for twenty minutes until...she informs me that the Complaints Department is too busy to answer my call right now (that's disturbing in and of itself) and that they would call me tomorrow.  Wow, okay, that isn't great but okay.  "One last thing," I ask her while I have someone on the phone.  "Could you perhaps shed any light on the situation at all?"  Her reply:  "I would have to look into it further to help you with that.  Is there anything else I can help you with?"  Seriously?  She would have to look into it?  Well, what the hell is her job?  What on earth was stopping her from doing that right now?  Complaints were too busy to help me, and apparently so was she.  I can't be bothered to argue so I say I will wait for the call from the complaints team tomorrow, which would be Saturday.

Saturday.

Tuesday arrives and no has called me.  No missed messages.  Nothing.  Great.  Well I'm getting nowhere on the phone so I will try the venue that suits my talents - I will write to them, via email.  So I go onto the bank's website and fill in one of their complaint forms and explain everything that has happened thus far.  I add that I am sure there is a valid reason my cheque is suddenly going to take so long and all I really wanted was an explanation.  I needed to know what their policy was so that I could budget accordingly for when I was likely to get my funds each month.  I just wanted the bank to TELL ME WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH MY MONEY AND WHY.  Is that unreasonable?

Tuesday night, the Complaints team finally calls me.  YAY!  They listen to what I say and actually seem to care.  Forget the fact that this is the third person that has no idea why my cheque is going to take so long, they are at least prepared to go find me the reasons why and then call me back.  Great!  She promises to investigate and get back to me as soon as she has the answer.  Fantastic!  

She calls me back ten minutes later.  Wow, that was quick.  Finally I am going to get the simple answer I so desire.  Guess what she says.  She asks me if I made a complaint online?  "Why, yes," I inform her.  "No one on the phone was helping me and you never called me Saturday as I was promised."  "Oh," she said.  "Well now that you have logged a complaint online, I'm afraid I can't help you.  They will have to deal with it."  Seriously?  Are you not all part of the same frikkin company?  So the fact that you called me 3 days late, causing me to send an email in the meantime, has now penalised me in that you won't go near me because I have "made an Internet complaint" leprosy?  Great.  Fine I will wait for the email team to help me.

Three days go by.  I'm broke.

I get a letter in the post.  The letter is literally a transcript of my complaint, letting me know it has been acknowledged.  No guidance, just a transcript.  At the bottom it says that a leaflet is enclosed to help me understand what would happen next.  Guess what?  No leaflet is enclosed.  I couldn't make this shit up!  At every step this frikkin bank has been totally negligent.  After speaking to three live people on the phone and recieving 1 letter, not one person has any knowledge of their own International cheque policies.  Am I the first Englander to cash a US cheque - Wow I guess I'm pretty successful!

Now, in any other industry, I would go somewhere else.  I would say, "Thanks but no thanks," I'm going to your competitor."  But that's not an option with bloody banks.  They can be this negligent because they know they can get away with it.  Most of the banks are all owned by the same Umbrella company anyway, so when you leave one and go to another all you're actually doing is cashing your cheques with a different logo.  All banks are just as greedy and incompetent.  If some young upstart came along and set up a new way of doing things, then the banks would all go bust (but no one has set up a bank in a hundred years because they have a cartel in operation).  Mobile phone companies were charging too much and forming a cartel, so along came Three and T-Mobile, and now all consumers get deals a 1000% better than they did when it was just Orange, Vodafone, and O2. The same is true of many businesses.  Customers get treated badly, so somebody starts a new company that steals all the unhappy customers and forces everyone to up their game.  But banks don't worry about that because they are all on the same side and making it impossible for any kind of reforms or new competition.  It's borderline illegal.  They are the only industry that makes the customer feel like they owe something to them, instead of valuing customers and recognizing that it is the consumer who is the one with the power.  How often do banks make our lives hell, treating us like we should feel obligated to them?  Imagine if your Internet provider acted like your bank.  Would you stay with them?

Anyway, two weeks later the money goes into my account (so the panic caused by saying six weeks or more turned out to be about 20 days in the end!  Jesus Wept.  Now at this point I have already hypothesised that the reason this cheque took longer than the others is because of the amount.  That the bank pay me upfront for smaller "less riskier" amounts but that for high amounts above a certain threshold they send of to clear in the USA first (the fact that such a thing still takes so long in 2012 is still absurd).  My earnings have been increasing and perhaps I have met this elusive threshold.

A week after I finally get the money, I am bombarded with calls from the bank.  I ignore them all because I am too busy scratching my chafed nuts.  I specially specifically specified that all future contact be via email only, but apparently this bank makes sure to do the opposite of whatever the customer wants.  Eventually after a week of continuous calls, they got the message and emailed me, trying to make me feel in the wrong for not picking up the phone.  Almost like I didn't want their excellent help!  I informed them that I asked to be emailed and now that they had done so, low and behold, I was replying.  I didn't just specify to email me for a joke, I actually meant it.  Crazy I know to be so literal.  Anyway after telling them I was a very unhappy customer and would continue to be one, so they might as well just wrap my complaint up, because I was not buying anything they were selling, I got an email explaining that my earlier hypothesis, about there being a threshold for cheque payments that are paid in advance or not, was indeed correct.  So basically I guessed the answer before half a dozen of the bank's employees could get the information for me.  My brain beat their entire company just by using common sense.  So in total it had taken over 1 month just to get a SIMPLE EXPLANATION.  I asked for nothing more than for someone to just explain what was happening with my money (And it is my money, no matter how much the bank likes to think it is theirs).  To just be transparent and say, "This is what we're doing, and this is why?"  It took over one whole month just to get an answer to one simple question.

The bank in question, you might ask?  Was frikkin Natwest.  I wouldn't recommend them.  Have a great Christmas everyone.

Love ya, Iain xxx

Things That Chafe My Nut sack...

Hi all:

I have been thinking for a while of an ongoing topic that would actually prompt me to blog regularly.  I don't enjoy blogging and find it quite a chore, and I believe part of that is because I don't know what to blog about in the first place.  I am not far enough along in my career to feel comfortable writing an advice blog (like J A Konrath for example) and I am loathe to use my blog only to shout about my own work and beg people to buy my books.  I think if anybody is going to check my blog out regularly - and if I am going to update it regularly - then it needs to be something fun and irreverent.  So what have I decided?

Well, I have decided to spend an hour every Friday (right before I do the housework) to blog about the things that really piss me off.  One of the things I am really good at is having a good ol' rant.  As a writer I am a miserable, anti-social sod by nature, and complaining comes very easily to me.  I am a fantasist and see the world how it should be, so when it isn't...

A quick caveat to say that this is purely a stream of consciousness rant about nothing and everything in particular.  If I touch upon something that offends you, just remind yourself: "To Chill the Feck Out!"  My opinion is mine alone and I present myself as no sort of authority, so if you disagree with me, you may just be right and I may just be wrong, but show some candor and just be smug in private.  I don't want to see nasty comments or people haranguing me on Facebook (I get enough of that off my dad!).

So, without further ado, this is what has chafed my nut sack this previous week:

SALES CALLS

Ring Ring....Ring Ring...Ring.... "Hello, is this Mr i-an Wright (Indian Call centres never pronounce my name correctly.)

Now the thing that annoys me about sales calls is not that a business is trying to make money - I get that - but the fact that the person on the end of the phone tries to convince me that they are doing me a favour.  Treating me like an idiot really pisses me off.

Example 1:  My mobile phone network called me during dinner to talk to me and I told them now wasn't a good time (thinking this would get rid of them, right?)  Well the next day I had three missed calls from them.  Same again the next day and the next.  One thing was clear - THEY WERE COMING FOR ME!  They called me twice as often as a debt collector would, all so I wouldn't miss out on this fantastic offer they had for me.

Now, when I finally answered the call.  The person on the other end of the phone told me that because I have a phone and an ipad (biggest waste of money ever btw) that I qualified for a very special deal (which funnily enough was available on their website to absolutely everybody).  When I told them that I had no need for a "second phone contract" (I barely use the one I have) they continued to ask if I had any family members I could buy it for.  They didn't want me to miss out, you see?  (On this deal that is available to anybody anytime from their website.)  After allowing them to waste ten minutes of my time I decided to tell them that they were not trying to do me a favour but were in fact operating only in their own interests   I made it very clear to them that if I want to buy something I will call them, not the other way around.  Thankfully they listened and I haven't heard off them since.  But seriously, how stupid do they think I am.

Example 2:  I have a Littlewoods catalogue.  It has a credit limit of £7,000 but a balance of zero.  It must really drive them crazy to think I have the option of going £7,000 into debt but have not taking a single penny.  To be honest, I will be cancelling the catlogue when I get around to it.  They offer interest free credit, but they do so on items that are price inflated by about 20%, so you're being ripped off every time.  Now I don't blame them for that business model (as misleading as it is), because their high prices are the consequence someone accepts for buying big-ticket items at low weekly premiums.  When I was a student the catogue had a use for me.  Now that I am approaching 30 and financially secure, it's a rip-off.  At this point in my life, if I cannot afford to buy something, then I do not buy it.  Simples!

Now, Littlewoods hate the fact that I don't buy anything, so they call me up.  They inform me that I have a platinum reward amount of £25 that I am going to lose if I do not purchase something in the next 60 days.  OH NO!  She doesn't want this bad fate to befall me so she has called to save the day.  Now, this woman makes it sound as though I have left £25 of my own real money at their head office and the janitor has gotten a hold of it between grubby forefingers and thumbs and is ready to rip it to shreds in sixty days exactly unless I make a purchase.  

But let's look at the logic of this.  Let's see if, really, this big favour she is trying to do me, is in my own interests or Littlewoods.  Now, as I said, catalogues mark up their items by about 20% (on top of the usual retail markup), so if I spend £500, a hundred of it is just their over-inflated markup (on top of the usual RRP mark-up of 15% or so).  So even with my £25 reward voucher, I am still paying £75 more than I would if I brought the item on Amazon for example.  I would be losing out on the deal while Littlewoods would be making £75 profit, plus whatever the typical profit margin on the item would be (so perhaps a £100 in total).  This is a great business model for them and I don't blame them for using it, but what irritates me is the fact that they called me up and spoke to me like I was an idiot that does not understand all of the calculations above.  Why call up and pretend you are doing me a favour?  It's insulting.  Nothing in this world is fee, and any company that tries to convince you otherwise is a crook (like those no win no fee solicitors that offer a free ipad to "keep in touch with their clients".  They don't mention that this £300 item is just a business deduction from the thousands they hope to make on your case - it's not a gift from the goodness of their heart, although they would certainly like to make you believe so.)

Which leads me to Example 3: PPI Claims.  I am so sick of my phone going every day because some company wishes to inform me that I am due back thousands on a fraudulent PPI policy I was forced to take with my personal loan.  This is always a surprise to me as I have not taken any loans.  It seems their powers of clairvoyance have failed them.  What pisses me off about these parasites is the fact when I answer the phone and ask them to remove me from their list (which I shouldn't bloody be on anyway) they are consistently rude to me.  One person said, "No!" and put down the phone on me.  Most of them say they will take me off their lists and then call me the following week again anyway.  They are just absolute pests, and the reason for it is, I am afraid to say, an American influence.  These NO WIN NO FEE Solicitors advertising on television and harassing us in the town centres are actively trying to PERSUADE us to sue each other.  Now, if I have an accident that I genuinely feel is due to someone else's negligence then I will bloody well call a lawyer.  But they don't need to call me just in case I may have had an accident!  By offering NO WIN NO FEE they are essentially allowing people to "give it a go".  These horrible, world-owes-me-a-living, claimants are suing people just because they have nothing to lose.  If they win they get a bunch of money.  If they lose then no harm is done.  This is not the way the court systems should work.  Frivolous lawsuits should not be allowed, but right now they are endemic, and this is due to these parasite solicitors on TV whispering in my ear that I can get a load of money for that one time an apple fell on my foot at the supermarket.  The should not be allowed to advertise.  If someone needs a lawyer they will call one.  Anything else is a criminal attempt at convincing greedy people to sue innocent parties.

NEXT WEEK: I'm gonna go after the banks!  I.  REALLY.  HATE.  BANKS.