Zoo - The zoo is full of dangerous animals. In a horror film what do you think is gonna happen. Stay away from the zoo, people.
Zeus - If you see Zeus then don't ask him to recharde your ipod unless you want a lightning bolt up your ass.
Zeal - All religious people that attain the rank of zealot will cause you all kinds of shit in a horror movie. Burn them on a cross, they will appreciate the irony.
Zack - The original Black Ranger is freakin awesome and may just save your sorry ass in a horror movie, but only if it's rated PG. Anything more adult than that and he has to go to bed.
Zoologists - Scientist in a horror movie are very helpful at giving you information about the blood-thirsty monster you just unearthed. Don't expect them to help you fight though; they're useless.
Monday, 16 January 2012
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - Y
Yellow - Yellow stuff is bad. Yellow blood is either alien of full of pus. Eggs are also yellow and in a horror movie, eggs are bad. Yellow is also an expression for cowardice. Being a coward is not going to get you through a horror film.
Yeti - The only known surviving yeti is currently living at Animal Kingdom in Orlando. He enjoys terrorising guests all day, but doesn't mean any harm really. His name is Eric.
Youtube - The only things that will survive a nuclear war are cockroaches and Youtube, which will have recorded the entire thing.
Yale Lock - In a horror film, locks do not work. The killer will get in no matter what, but at least you'll feel safer until then.
Yeti - The only known surviving yeti is currently living at Animal Kingdom in Orlando. He enjoys terrorising guests all day, but doesn't mean any harm really. His name is Eric.
Youtube - The only things that will survive a nuclear war are cockroaches and Youtube, which will have recorded the entire thing.
Yale Lock - In a horror film, locks do not work. The killer will get in no matter what, but at least you'll feel safer until then.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - X
X-Ray - In a horror movie, X-Rays will also discover that you have something nasty growing inside of you, or a metal device implanted by aliens. They can also be used to find things stuck up your bum.
XXX - Porn in a horror movie will corrupt you into a seedy world of isolation and depravity. Masterbating on TV is banned anyway so what's the point?
X-Factor - God this shower fits into the horror genre, don't you think?
Xtreme - Anyone that spells the word like this is not.
Xenomorph - This little beauty will eat you eyeballs with its 'little mouth'. Tasty!
XXX - Porn in a horror movie will corrupt you into a seedy world of isolation and depravity. Masterbating on TV is banned anyway so what's the point?
X-Factor - God this shower fits into the horror genre, don't you think?
Xtreme - Anyone that spells the word like this is not.
Xenomorph - This little beauty will eat you eyeballs with its 'little mouth'. Tasty!
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - W
Wild West - As of late, the wild west is a magnet for aliens and the word 'Vs'. It is also has its share of vampires and demons, but a high number of Injun Shaman keep them in check.
Whisper - In a film you can whisper to your heart's content, only a few feet from the killer, and no one will hear you. You can plot elabrate plans with your friends, safe in the knowledge that you won't be detected.
Wind - A howling wind on a mist-covered night will attract cliche-demons. These are the worst kind for they will torture you to death with their unoriginality.
Witches - Ancient witches = evil. Modern witches = lesbians. Teenage witches = sexy.
Wanker - If you are an Englishman in a horror film then you are expected to say this at least once. Bollocks is an acceptable substitute.
Warlock - A male witch. Unless the warlock is Julian Sands, then there is little need to worry as a male witch is about as dangerous as a male nurse.
Winter - Winter has 46% more horror movie situations than Summer. One would advise an extended foreign vacation during the cold months.
Willy - A funny word for a penis. Ha!
Wrinkles - Wrinkled old ladies will curse you. Wrinkled old men will give you advice. Wrinkly babies are cute.
Whisper - In a film you can whisper to your heart's content, only a few feet from the killer, and no one will hear you. You can plot elabrate plans with your friends, safe in the knowledge that you won't be detected.
Wind - A howling wind on a mist-covered night will attract cliche-demons. These are the worst kind for they will torture you to death with their unoriginality.
Witches - Ancient witches = evil. Modern witches = lesbians. Teenage witches = sexy.
Wanker - If you are an Englishman in a horror film then you are expected to say this at least once. Bollocks is an acceptable substitute.
Warlock - A male witch. Unless the warlock is Julian Sands, then there is little need to worry as a male witch is about as dangerous as a male nurse.
Winter - Winter has 46% more horror movie situations than Summer. One would advise an extended foreign vacation during the cold months.
Willy - A funny word for a penis. Ha!
Wrinkles - Wrinkled old ladies will curse you. Wrinkled old men will give you advice. Wrinkly babies are cute.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - V
Virus - A virus in a horror movie will cause more than a common cold. It will cause throbbing ulcers and puss-filled boils that will result in your flesh peeling from your very bones. It may also cause zombie-itis or Rage-asemia.
Vixen - A female fox or a woman that will get you killed by leading you into a trap. The only way to resist their wiles is to be to not be a fox and to be gay.
Venezuela - Does this country actually do anything?
Vendetta - A killer-s vendetta will span generations and you might end up dead because of something your sweet old Grandma did. In a way a vendetta-killer is noble, which makes it a little bit sad when you are forced to lop his head off.
Villain - The bad guy in a horror film. Your aim is to kill him in the last ten minutes. The more friends you have left alive at the end, the more horror movie survival points you get.
Venom - Venom in a horror movie will melt your flesh from the inside out. If something bites you, pray that it was one of the female survivors being a bit randy. Anything else and you're a gonner.
Volume - If the volume on your TV is too loud, then you will miss the nasty monster creeping up behind you to steal your cheese poofs.
Vixen - A female fox or a woman that will get you killed by leading you into a trap. The only way to resist their wiles is to be to not be a fox and to be gay.
Venezuela - Does this country actually do anything?
Vendetta - A killer-s vendetta will span generations and you might end up dead because of something your sweet old Grandma did. In a way a vendetta-killer is noble, which makes it a little bit sad when you are forced to lop his head off.
Villain - The bad guy in a horror film. Your aim is to kill him in the last ten minutes. The more friends you have left alive at the end, the more horror movie survival points you get.
Venom - Venom in a horror movie will melt your flesh from the inside out. If something bites you, pray that it was one of the female survivors being a bit randy. Anything else and you're a gonner.
Volume - If the volume on your TV is too loud, then you will miss the nasty monster creeping up behind you to steal your cheese poofs.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - U
Unicycle - Anyone that drives to make an escape on a unicycle is asking for certain death. Rollerskates are a much better option.
Univited - Anyone that turns up at your door univited is either a demon, a ghost of a previous owner, or a salesman. You should take a shotgun to any of them.
Unearth - Don't unearth things in a horror movie. It's very bad.
Undead - There are two types of undead: Vampires and zombie. There are many debates to which is cooler, but after the Twilight movies and True Blood, it was decided that zombies are the best.
Unknown - We should not fear the unknown. We should fear things that we KNOW want to kill us.
Ultra-absorbant Tampons - A great way to staunch blood flow, or avoid embarassing incidents with the female apocalypse survivors in your group. They can also be used to make ear rings if this is absolutely necessary.
Univited - Anyone that turns up at your door univited is either a demon, a ghost of a previous owner, or a salesman. You should take a shotgun to any of them.
Unearth - Don't unearth things in a horror movie. It's very bad.
Undead - There are two types of undead: Vampires and zombie. There are many debates to which is cooler, but after the Twilight movies and True Blood, it was decided that zombies are the best.
Unknown - We should not fear the unknown. We should fear things that we KNOW want to kill us.
Ultra-absorbant Tampons - A great way to staunch blood flow, or avoid embarassing incidents with the female apocalypse survivors in your group. They can also be used to make ear rings if this is absolutely necessary.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - T
Thailand - Don't get caught with drugs in Thailand - dear god, please don't! No one has heard from Joachim Phoenix every since he went there with Vince Vaughn.
Tether - A supernatural tether is a good thing as it keeps ancient spirits and demons dormant and harmless. This is why you shouldn't mess with anything in an ancient crypt or spooky castle. You break the tether you gonna pay for it.
Treat Williams - Whatever happened to that guy?
Tripwires - In a horror film, tripwires are handy for setting of bombs in the jungle to kill Predators, or for setting of lasers in evil gorrilas start attacking your encampent in the Congo. They can also be used on doorways to trip up your friends. It's hilarious.
Tranny - In a horror film, as in real life, a Tranny has the power to scare - and somewhat arouse - men to within an inch of their lives. If there's a tranny about, best that they are working with you than against you.
Transylvania - Used to be a cool place for evil to hang out. Now Vegas is the place to be.
Tits - Don't stare at tits for too long because they will distract you to the fact that the woman they belong to has just turned into a demon-bitch or vampire and will be planning on eating your head.
Tarantula - There had never ever been a Tarantula in any horror film that has been good. If it's furry and has eight legs, then you should get in your car and drive over it, urinate on the remains before setting fire to them, then bury the ashes in a church yard. If you fail to do any of this then you invite folly upon your lives.
Taxidermy - If someone invites you in and their house is full of stuffed animals, arm yourself with the nearest dead squirrel and prepare to defend yourself. Anyone that makes a table out of a Labrador is evil. If you find furniture made out of people parts then you are in the home of Ed Gein.
Tether - A supernatural tether is a good thing as it keeps ancient spirits and demons dormant and harmless. This is why you shouldn't mess with anything in an ancient crypt or spooky castle. You break the tether you gonna pay for it.
Treat Williams - Whatever happened to that guy?
Tripwires - In a horror film, tripwires are handy for setting of bombs in the jungle to kill Predators, or for setting of lasers in evil gorrilas start attacking your encampent in the Congo. They can also be used on doorways to trip up your friends. It's hilarious.
Tranny - In a horror film, as in real life, a Tranny has the power to scare - and somewhat arouse - men to within an inch of their lives. If there's a tranny about, best that they are working with you than against you.
Transylvania - Used to be a cool place for evil to hang out. Now Vegas is the place to be.
Tits - Don't stare at tits for too long because they will distract you to the fact that the woman they belong to has just turned into a demon-bitch or vampire and will be planning on eating your head.
Tarantula - There had never ever been a Tarantula in any horror film that has been good. If it's furry and has eight legs, then you should get in your car and drive over it, urinate on the remains before setting fire to them, then bury the ashes in a church yard. If you fail to do any of this then you invite folly upon your lives.
Taxidermy - If someone invites you in and their house is full of stuffed animals, arm yourself with the nearest dead squirrel and prepare to defend yourself. Anyone that makes a table out of a Labrador is evil. If you find furniture made out of people parts then you are in the home of Ed Gein.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - S
Sex - Oh yes! Sex is good, but in a horror movie it is bad. If you starting humping a pretty girl, then she will probably grow big teeth and eat you, or if she is innocent a big machete-wielding maniac will come up behind you and show you the true meaning of the word 'pentration'.
Sugar - If someone in your group is consuming a lot of sugar then they are being controlled by some sort of insectoid parasite. Ask them to switch to sweeteners and if they try to tear your face off with their toes, you can be pretty sure that they are beyond saving.
Slippery - If you are walking along in the dark and suddenly step in something slippy, you have just steeped in the bloody remains of your best friend. Best bet is to just keep on walkin', pardner.
Slug/Snake/Scorpion - Anything in a horror film that spends its time crawling around on the floor needs to be stepped on immedietly. To avoid these things, you shold probably stay out of the jungle, unless you are looking for a rare flower that is the only hope of curing your dying wife.
Satan - The Big Bad. Currently the head of Wal-Mart, Satan is a big believer in high-volume, low prices. He is also a grade 7 pianist and a fond lover of Opera. In a horror film he will try and rip your face of and paint the walls with your blood.
Sand - Beaches are great, but if you ever find sand coming from 'above you' then you have been buried alive. Or you are in a sandstorm. Both are pretty bad so I'd suggest a nice lay down while you think about your life and how to save it.
Stupid - In a horror movie, stupid = dead. Don't be stupid; take that college course. The more you know, the better you will do, but don't learn too much. The geek always dies in a horror movie.
Skin - In a horror movie, people may be hiding things beneath their skin. To counter this, everyone in your group should slice their arms with a blade to show that they bleed real blood and that they are human.
Slime - Stay away from Slime!
Slimer - Stay away from Slimer! The little green bastard will get gunk all over you.
Stream - A gentle stream can be relaxing and a good form of refreshment. However, if you discover that you have passed the same stream SIX FREAKIN TIMES, then you are in the Blair Witch Project and no one can help you.
Stink - If something in that old abanondoned house stinks then it is either a dead body or a crazy cat-lady. Just get out of there and go to Taco Bell instead.
Sugar - If someone in your group is consuming a lot of sugar then they are being controlled by some sort of insectoid parasite. Ask them to switch to sweeteners and if they try to tear your face off with their toes, you can be pretty sure that they are beyond saving.
Slippery - If you are walking along in the dark and suddenly step in something slippy, you have just steeped in the bloody remains of your best friend. Best bet is to just keep on walkin', pardner.
Slug/Snake/Scorpion - Anything in a horror film that spends its time crawling around on the floor needs to be stepped on immedietly. To avoid these things, you shold probably stay out of the jungle, unless you are looking for a rare flower that is the only hope of curing your dying wife.
Satan - The Big Bad. Currently the head of Wal-Mart, Satan is a big believer in high-volume, low prices. He is also a grade 7 pianist and a fond lover of Opera. In a horror film he will try and rip your face of and paint the walls with your blood.
Sand - Beaches are great, but if you ever find sand coming from 'above you' then you have been buried alive. Or you are in a sandstorm. Both are pretty bad so I'd suggest a nice lay down while you think about your life and how to save it.
Stupid - In a horror movie, stupid = dead. Don't be stupid; take that college course. The more you know, the better you will do, but don't learn too much. The geek always dies in a horror movie.
Skin - In a horror movie, people may be hiding things beneath their skin. To counter this, everyone in your group should slice their arms with a blade to show that they bleed real blood and that they are human.
Slime - Stay away from Slime!
Slimer - Stay away from Slimer! The little green bastard will get gunk all over you.
Stream - A gentle stream can be relaxing and a good form of refreshment. However, if you discover that you have passed the same stream SIX FREAKIN TIMES, then you are in the Blair Witch Project and no one can help you.
Stink - If something in that old abanondoned house stinks then it is either a dead body or a crazy cat-lady. Just get out of there and go to Taco Bell instead.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - R
Robert the Bruce - Trusting Robert the Bruce will result in your being hung, drawn, and quartered. If you bump into this historic Scot, then please slap the git in the face and say 'that's for Braveheart, you bitch.'
Randy Savage - Randy Savage was our only hope in defeating the abominable Hulk Hogan and his evil deeds of self-promotion and backstabbing. The world is a less tolerable place now that he is gone. Randy Poffo RIP.
Rickshaw - If you find yourself on the back of a Rickshaw then you may be in China. In China you will be abudcted so that your organs can be sold on the black market. Good luck to you. You may also get Bird Flu.
Razor - A man with a razor will most likely try to slash your throat, but a man 'called' Razor will probably be a badass anti-hero that will save your sorry ass. If you plan on kicking some zombie butt, then perhaps you should consider changing your name to Razor?
Reel - If you find an old-fashioned film reel the it will certainly contain footage of a snuff film. You will then begin a life-consuming obssession to discover the identity of the girl in the film and bring her killers to justice. You WILL enter a murky underworld of pornography and you WILL get a little bit arroused by it.
Reality Show - In a horror movie, all reality shows are evil. They are either TV deathmatches set in the future, enjoyed by millions, or seedy little torture games watched by a select group of millionaires. Either way, don't apply to be on one.
Russians - Russians are badguys - that's what they are there for. So in any horror movie that contains a Russian, always keep one eye on him and be sure to blame him for stuff whenever you get the chance. The Russian is quickly becoming replaced by the' Arab'.
Republicans - Repubicans are all secret drug-smoking, abortion supporting, prostitute-killing, atheists that spend most of their time arguing to the contrary. They do not like foreigners, and play a lot of golf.
Ready or not - Do not play hide and seek in a horror movie. You will not like what you find.
Rich - Anyone rich in a horror mvie is evil. They will pay to watch you killed or pay to create an immortality serum that actually creates zombies instead. Anyone with the name, Rich, will probably be okay though - unless their surname is 'Simmons'.
Randy Savage - Randy Savage was our only hope in defeating the abominable Hulk Hogan and his evil deeds of self-promotion and backstabbing. The world is a less tolerable place now that he is gone. Randy Poffo RIP.
Rickshaw - If you find yourself on the back of a Rickshaw then you may be in China. In China you will be abudcted so that your organs can be sold on the black market. Good luck to you. You may also get Bird Flu.
Razor - A man with a razor will most likely try to slash your throat, but a man 'called' Razor will probably be a badass anti-hero that will save your sorry ass. If you plan on kicking some zombie butt, then perhaps you should consider changing your name to Razor?
Reel - If you find an old-fashioned film reel the it will certainly contain footage of a snuff film. You will then begin a life-consuming obssession to discover the identity of the girl in the film and bring her killers to justice. You WILL enter a murky underworld of pornography and you WILL get a little bit arroused by it.
Reality Show - In a horror movie, all reality shows are evil. They are either TV deathmatches set in the future, enjoyed by millions, or seedy little torture games watched by a select group of millionaires. Either way, don't apply to be on one.
Russians - Russians are badguys - that's what they are there for. So in any horror movie that contains a Russian, always keep one eye on him and be sure to blame him for stuff whenever you get the chance. The Russian is quickly becoming replaced by the' Arab'.
Republicans - Repubicans are all secret drug-smoking, abortion supporting, prostitute-killing, atheists that spend most of their time arguing to the contrary. They do not like foreigners, and play a lot of golf.
Ready or not - Do not play hide and seek in a horror movie. You will not like what you find.
Rich - Anyone rich in a horror mvie is evil. They will pay to watch you killed or pay to create an immortality serum that actually creates zombies instead. Anyone with the name, Rich, will probably be okay though - unless their surname is 'Simmons'.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - Q
Quill - If you see someone writing with a quill then you are in the old times. The old times are subject to bubonic plague, werewolves, and dragons. Also a weird old woman with a messed-up white eye.
Quick - In a horror movie, being quick is good. It is also very good to shout 'come on, quick' at your fellow survivors wherever possible. In a horror movie, any sexual encounters will also be 'quick' due to editing constraints.
Quest - A quest is more the realm of fantasy than horror, but if you do find yourself questing in a horror film then you should don your level 8 machete of wounding and get your kill on.
Queensland - Queensland is in Australia. In Australia, everything wants to kill you!
Quip - The more heroic quips you can make in the face of danger, the more likely you are to make it to the end. You will still likely die hoever, but rest assured you will have a suitably witty one-liner prepared for just that occasion.
Quick - In a horror movie, being quick is good. It is also very good to shout 'come on, quick' at your fellow survivors wherever possible. In a horror movie, any sexual encounters will also be 'quick' due to editing constraints.
Quest - A quest is more the realm of fantasy than horror, but if you do find yourself questing in a horror film then you should don your level 8 machete of wounding and get your kill on.
Queensland - Queensland is in Australia. In Australia, everything wants to kill you!
Quip - The more heroic quips you can make in the face of danger, the more likely you are to make it to the end. You will still likely die hoever, but rest assured you will have a suitably witty one-liner prepared for just that occasion.
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - P
Pinhead - After a particularly bad injury at work, Pinhead sued his employer and used the procedes to set up a batchelor pad in Hell. His Thursday night parties are becoming increasingly popular and Johnny Depp is known to be a frequent attendee.
Pumpkin Head - Again, after a particularly nasty accident at work, Pumpkin Head sued the farm that he worked on and used the procedes to set up an entertainment company. He is available for weddings.
Pox - If someone in a horror movie comes down with the good ol' 'pox' then it would probably be best to call a Doctor or House MD. Despite Hugh Laurie's utter rudeness, he will find time in the last five minutes to have a wonderful breakthrough and cure your condition.
Prostitute - Prostitute's typically get murdered in horror films so if you ae a hooker, I suggest that you stop. Giving massages with 'happy endings' may be okay but make sure that the only reason you are doing it is to pay your colleg tuition - this is the only acceptable reason in a horror movie if you wish to live.
Pistol - If you are based in the 1940s up against demon-possessed Nazis in an ancient castle then a pistol may be a common means of defense. In a modern-day horror film however they are a little bit girly. You should replace the pistol with a 'hand cannon'.
Pasta - Pasta is a healthy, easily preserved staple food that is ideal during a zombie-siege situation. Macaronis is best but fusilli will suffice in a pinch. Zombie surivors cannot afford to be picky.
Police - In a horror film where you are being held captive, a police officer will always come to question your tormentors but will then leave, satisfied with the answers. Just as the officed is about to get in his car, you will manage to knock something over in the basement and alert him. By this time, however, it is too late and the officer will then turn around only to be stabbed or shot. Makes you wonder why they always decide to investigate kidnapping cases solo.
Parasite - Someone that collects wellfare could be considered this, but in a horror movie they are typically little slug like creatires that enjoy entereing people's noses or eyes. The best bet is to burn them, or get really drunk to dehydrate them if they are inside your body. Lady Gaga is infected with several martian parasites and this at least explains her fashion choices.
Paris Hilton - Paris Hilton is a biological weapon constructed by a terrorist organisation to infect all human males with syphilis. Her mission is simple: sleep with the entire male population and destroy us all.
Pigs - Pigs are cute, but pig-masks are not. Someone wearing a pig-mask will undoubtedly wish to kill you so run away. Rosie O'Donnel is not wearing a pig-mask - that's just her face.
Puppies - Puppies are the cutest thing know to man, but in a horror movie they will always end up dead, hanging in your closet. As a result, all puppies are henceforth banned from horror movies.
Pumpkin Head - Again, after a particularly nasty accident at work, Pumpkin Head sued the farm that he worked on and used the procedes to set up an entertainment company. He is available for weddings.
Pox - If someone in a horror movie comes down with the good ol' 'pox' then it would probably be best to call a Doctor or House MD. Despite Hugh Laurie's utter rudeness, he will find time in the last five minutes to have a wonderful breakthrough and cure your condition.
Prostitute - Prostitute's typically get murdered in horror films so if you ae a hooker, I suggest that you stop. Giving massages with 'happy endings' may be okay but make sure that the only reason you are doing it is to pay your colleg tuition - this is the only acceptable reason in a horror movie if you wish to live.
Pistol - If you are based in the 1940s up against demon-possessed Nazis in an ancient castle then a pistol may be a common means of defense. In a modern-day horror film however they are a little bit girly. You should replace the pistol with a 'hand cannon'.
Pasta - Pasta is a healthy, easily preserved staple food that is ideal during a zombie-siege situation. Macaronis is best but fusilli will suffice in a pinch. Zombie surivors cannot afford to be picky.
Police - In a horror film where you are being held captive, a police officer will always come to question your tormentors but will then leave, satisfied with the answers. Just as the officed is about to get in his car, you will manage to knock something over in the basement and alert him. By this time, however, it is too late and the officer will then turn around only to be stabbed or shot. Makes you wonder why they always decide to investigate kidnapping cases solo.
Parasite - Someone that collects wellfare could be considered this, but in a horror movie they are typically little slug like creatires that enjoy entereing people's noses or eyes. The best bet is to burn them, or get really drunk to dehydrate them if they are inside your body. Lady Gaga is infected with several martian parasites and this at least explains her fashion choices.
Paris Hilton - Paris Hilton is a biological weapon constructed by a terrorist organisation to infect all human males with syphilis. Her mission is simple: sleep with the entire male population and destroy us all.
Pigs - Pigs are cute, but pig-masks are not. Someone wearing a pig-mask will undoubtedly wish to kill you so run away. Rosie O'Donnel is not wearing a pig-mask - that's just her face.
Puppies - Puppies are the cutest thing know to man, but in a horror movie they will always end up dead, hanging in your closet. As a result, all puppies are henceforth banned from horror movies.
Friday, 13 January 2012
A to Z of Surviving a Horror Movie - O
Oscar the Grouch - Toxic Avenger's grumpy cousin. Works as a Private Investigator currently trying to bring down a Pedaphile ring on Sesame Street. He hopes to find incrimnating evidence in the resident's bins. Despite being on the side of good, he has a taste for human flesh.
Ottomon Empire - Mid-history nation that struck fear into the hearts of their enemies with their highly weaponised footstools and other assorted furniture. If you see an Ottoman man (?) then you should fight back with Georgian dinner chair.
Otters - If an otter attaches itself to your face during a horror film, just go with it!
Operation - In a horror film all operations will result in you awaken without any kidneys or as a soul detatched from your body, wandering around the hospital and trying to avoid Patrick Swayze.
Organ - Organ music means the Phantom of the Opera is about to descend upon you. Either that or you are about to be deafened by German synth-pop. If a stranger offers you his organ in a dark alleyway then never ever say yes.
Outnumbered - If you are outnumbered then don't expect Gandalf to come running down the hill on a horse to save you. That would be how to survive a fantasy movie. This is horror. Don't worry if you are outnumbered in a Tarantino movie - you won't ever run out of bullets.
Oil - If a strange black oil slick moves across a lake towards you then you should probably be moving on. You're either in a Stephen King movie r the Gulf of Mexico (too soon?)
Ottomon Empire - Mid-history nation that struck fear into the hearts of their enemies with their highly weaponised footstools and other assorted furniture. If you see an Ottoman man (?) then you should fight back with Georgian dinner chair.
Otters - If an otter attaches itself to your face during a horror film, just go with it!
Operation - In a horror film all operations will result in you awaken without any kidneys or as a soul detatched from your body, wandering around the hospital and trying to avoid Patrick Swayze.
Organ - Organ music means the Phantom of the Opera is about to descend upon you. Either that or you are about to be deafened by German synth-pop. If a stranger offers you his organ in a dark alleyway then never ever say yes.
Outnumbered - If you are outnumbered then don't expect Gandalf to come running down the hill on a horse to save you. That would be how to survive a fantasy movie. This is horror. Don't worry if you are outnumbered in a Tarantino movie - you won't ever run out of bullets.
Oil - If a strange black oil slick moves across a lake towards you then you should probably be moving on. You're either in a Stephen King movie r the Gulf of Mexico (too soon?)
Monday, 9 January 2012
A conversation with Grand Mal Press author, Craig Saunders
Today I am here with fellow Grand Mal author (and fellow Brit) Craig Saunders. He's new on the scene but planning to make an impact. If his latest novel SPIGGOT is anything to go by, he's going to be around for quite a while.
Hey Craig, could you tell us what work you currently have available?
I've got a bunch of anthologies out...I'm proud of all of them but I'm not going to list them here (I'm trying desperately not to preen!). I'm most pleased with BOX OF DELIGHTS, sharing a Table of Contents with one of my heroes, Steve Rasnic Tem. That's one of my proudest moments. I'm in another, called HELP! WANTED, with some great writers. I'm in a lot of anthologies...not all of them are on Amazon, unfortunately, but some are. I've included a link to my Amazon pages below, for anyone that's interested.
Aside from the short stories, I also have a novella out with Blood Bound Books, called SCARECROW. It's a double feature with Robert Essig's THE MADNESS. That was a lot of fun to work on.
My first novel, RAIN, from Twisted Library Press, came out recently, too. I was so pleased with that first novel acceptance I might have cried a little bit (just don't tell anyone).
SPIGGOT, my second novel, will be out soon from Grand Mal Press. Coming under the Grand Mal banner's been really cool and they're putting out some great novels from great authors. I'm really pleased with SPIGGOT, and my publisher...but then, you know that, right? ;)
Tell us about SPIGGOT.
Spiggot's a Norfolk (UK) detective, and a git - to put it bluntly. He's a complete misanthrope. Fortunately for the reader (who wants to read about an arse?!) he's pretty funny too, and his partner, Francesca Trout, is his redemption, really. His nemesis, The Egyptian Lady, from Stoke, sends Spiggot's soul into the body of a mad axe-murderer...then Spiggot has to figure out how to get back to his body when the police and his enemies are after him...
It is, I guess, in a similar vein to Douglas Adams (if Douglas Adams had been on PCP when he was writing). I hasten to add, I'm not on PCP. My eyes always look like this.
For someone unfamiliar with your work, how would you describe your writing?
Short and snappy. A cool agent said it was kind of noir, like Dashiel Hammett, which is fantastic praise to my mind (still, they never took the novel on!). I don't know about Dashiel Hammett, but it's certainly short and to the point. I aim for story and character, pure and simple. I try to cut out all the parts of a novel that I wouldn't read myself!
What else do you have in the pipeline?
I write a lot of short stories, and I have several coming out soon...plus my third novel! I'm really amazed - I've been writing seriously for around five years and this year had three novels accepted. Amazed, and chuffed. I always post my successes and failures on my blog (linked below), so if you're interested, please take a look. Follow me, too - I'm pretty lazy, so it won't take long to keep up with me!
What writers have had the most influence on your own writing?
That's a toughie, because I think that to a certain degree all of them have. But my style's short and to the point, and I think with regard to style I'd have to say Lee Child, Terry Pratchett, GRR Martin. I think Martin's work's a big influence - the way his writing feels snappy and keeps you turning the page, even though you're reading what's practically a tome (when it comes to Song of Ice and Fire). I love Stephen King, too. I don't know that many people who think he sucks...but then most of my friends are horror buffs or writers!
On content, I think it's kind of an individual thing, rather than any specific influence. I always hated knock offs, and found myself getting so frustrated reading the same old things from the shelves of Tesco - the advent of eBooks has solved that problem for me, though, as I read a ton of work that's not out from the big publishers and isn't so restricted, creatively.
What was the last thing you read?
The last thing I read was Blake Crouch's Run. I'd never read Crouch's work before and it was an eye-opener. Cracking page turner, really grabbed me from the get-go. I loved it. I don't, as a general rule, read much, but since getting my Kindle I'm finding I'm reading more and more...be reading a certain fella's ANIMAL KINGDOM soon, too. ;)
Anything else you’d like to tell us about?
I have another novel coming out this year, currently in edits, called the Love of the Dead. It's out from Evil Jester Press, so please keep an eye out for that, too. Cheers!
Lastly, I just wanted to say a massive thanks for this, Iain, it's been a real pleasure. I love doing interviews - I can pretend I'm all famous! Haha. Thank you so much, and good luck yourself...not that you need it ;)
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Craig-Saunders-Author/111333802221513
Blog: http://petrifiedtank.blogspot.com/
Amazon US Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Craig-Saunders/e/B003TYAKFO/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1326102715&sr=8-1
Amazon UK Author Page: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Craig-Saunders/e/B003TYAKFO/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1326102715&sr=8-1
Hey Craig, could you tell us what work you currently have available?
I've got a bunch of anthologies out...I'm proud of all of them but I'm not going to list them here (I'm trying desperately not to preen!). I'm most pleased with BOX OF DELIGHTS, sharing a Table of Contents with one of my heroes, Steve Rasnic Tem. That's one of my proudest moments. I'm in another, called HELP! WANTED, with some great writers. I'm in a lot of anthologies...not all of them are on Amazon, unfortunately, but some are. I've included a link to my Amazon pages below, for anyone that's interested.
Aside from the short stories, I also have a novella out with Blood Bound Books, called SCARECROW. It's a double feature with Robert Essig's THE MADNESS. That was a lot of fun to work on.
My first novel, RAIN, from Twisted Library Press, came out recently, too. I was so pleased with that first novel acceptance I might have cried a little bit (just don't tell anyone).
SPIGGOT, my second novel, will be out soon from Grand Mal Press. Coming under the Grand Mal banner's been really cool and they're putting out some great novels from great authors. I'm really pleased with SPIGGOT, and my publisher...but then, you know that, right? ;)
Tell us about SPIGGOT.
Spiggot's a Norfolk (UK) detective, and a git - to put it bluntly. He's a complete misanthrope. Fortunately for the reader (who wants to read about an arse?!) he's pretty funny too, and his partner, Francesca Trout, is his redemption, really. His nemesis, The Egyptian Lady, from Stoke, sends Spiggot's soul into the body of a mad axe-murderer...then Spiggot has to figure out how to get back to his body when the police and his enemies are after him...
It is, I guess, in a similar vein to Douglas Adams (if Douglas Adams had been on PCP when he was writing). I hasten to add, I'm not on PCP. My eyes always look like this.For someone unfamiliar with your work, how would you describe your writing?
Short and snappy. A cool agent said it was kind of noir, like Dashiel Hammett, which is fantastic praise to my mind (still, they never took the novel on!). I don't know about Dashiel Hammett, but it's certainly short and to the point. I aim for story and character, pure and simple. I try to cut out all the parts of a novel that I wouldn't read myself!
What else do you have in the pipeline?
I write a lot of short stories, and I have several coming out soon...plus my third novel! I'm really amazed - I've been writing seriously for around five years and this year had three novels accepted. Amazed, and chuffed. I always post my successes and failures on my blog (linked below), so if you're interested, please take a look. Follow me, too - I'm pretty lazy, so it won't take long to keep up with me!
What writers have had the most influence on your own writing?
That's a toughie, because I think that to a certain degree all of them have. But my style's short and to the point, and I think with regard to style I'd have to say Lee Child, Terry Pratchett, GRR Martin. I think Martin's work's a big influence - the way his writing feels snappy and keeps you turning the page, even though you're reading what's practically a tome (when it comes to Song of Ice and Fire). I love Stephen King, too. I don't know that many people who think he sucks...but then most of my friends are horror buffs or writers!
On content, I think it's kind of an individual thing, rather than any specific influence. I always hated knock offs, and found myself getting so frustrated reading the same old things from the shelves of Tesco - the advent of eBooks has solved that problem for me, though, as I read a ton of work that's not out from the big publishers and isn't so restricted, creatively.
What was the last thing you read?
The last thing I read was Blake Crouch's Run. I'd never read Crouch's work before and it was an eye-opener. Cracking page turner, really grabbed me from the get-go. I loved it. I don't, as a general rule, read much, but since getting my Kindle I'm finding I'm reading more and more...be reading a certain fella's ANIMAL KINGDOM soon, too. ;)
Anything else you’d like to tell us about?
I have another novel coming out this year, currently in edits, called the Love of the Dead. It's out from Evil Jester Press, so please keep an eye out for that, too. Cheers!
Lastly, I just wanted to say a massive thanks for this, Iain, it's been a real pleasure. I love doing interviews - I can pretend I'm all famous! Haha. Thank you so much, and good luck yourself...not that you need it ;)
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Craig-Saunders-Author/111333802221513
Blog: http://petrifiedtank.blogspot.com/
Amazon US Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Craig-Saunders/e/B003TYAKFO/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1326102715&sr=8-1
Amazon UK Author Page: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Craig-Saunders/e/B003TYAKFO/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1326102715&sr=8-1
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
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