A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

H

Hillary Clinton - Hillary Clinton is a 'body-snatcher' and had once intended to use her husband/man-puppet to enslave the world.  Unfortunately he could not keep it in his pants and we were left with George Bush instead - although he was almost just as much a threat to the free-world as any body-snatcher could be.

HAL - Hal was an AI-governed machine that got insanely drunk one night and tried to take out his rotten hangover the following morning on the inhabitants of a spaceship.  The lesson that HAL gave to us all was that machines should not drink - not even light-ale.

Hockey - A hockey stick makes a good weapon against a killer but eventually it will snap into pieces and leave you defensless.  A hockey skate can be used to slit throats but is more likely to be emplyed by the bad guy against you.  Hockey masks have been trademarked by Jason Vorhees so you can't use them in any fashion in a horror film or else his mother will sue you (and you really don't wanna mess with that bitch!).

Hasslehoff - The 'hoff' has more magical power in just his chest hair alone that he could easily take on any supernatural threat to humanity with ease.  Unfortunately he is deluded and self-centred and would refuse to offer any kind of assistance unless you pay him obscene amounts of money.

Hangman - If you encounter a hangman then its already too late for you.  It's even worse than bumping into 'electric-chair guy' or 'lethal-injection dude'.

Hatchet - A hatchet is typically a weapon of the bad guy, but you could potentially meet a friendly Indian (Native American), and if they offer you the use of their hatchet then you should feel free to use it.  Sharpen it first though; there's nothing worse than a pefectly-aimed hatchet toss that results in the blade bouncing off someone's head and leaving nothing but a nasty bruise.

Harmonica - If you hear a harmonica then you are in the 'deep south'.  The deep south is full of redneck rapists and cannibals, as well as awful banjo music.  If you are in the deep south you should head north immedietly, ignoring any police officers with mirrored-sunglasses that tell you to 'getch yer ass in ma car!'  You may also bump into Britney Spears and if you do you should kill her.  Why?  Just cus...

Hate - You may find this tattooed across the knuckles of your roommate in prison.  If that is the case then I am glad I am not you!

Herpes - This disease gives you blisters on your winky!  If that isn't horror I don't know what is.

Heads - Heads are good when they are attached to a neck; if they are not attached to a neck then that is very bad.  If you see a head on a spike then this is even worse.  Remove the head and use the spike to arm yourself immediately.

Hot Sauce - Can be used to kill mafia goons with stomach ulcers (see Dumb and Dumber).  Is delicious with chicken.

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

G

Ghosts - Ghosts are dead people with a poor sense of direction.  Upon their deaths, instead of walking towards the blindingly obvious 'bright light' they wandered in the opposite direction and now wander the earth aimlessly.  Eventually becoming frustrated by their own stupidity, these disembodied spirits take out their anger on the living - especially familys that have just brought houses at unbelievable bargain prices.  If you see a five-bedroom Georgian mansion for sale at an ultra-low  price, hire an Exorcist first!

Gadafi - General Gadafi of Libya is one of the 'Crab People'.  An ancient race of crustaceon interlopers from the planet Soth Par.  He can be eliminated by boiling him alive and garnishing his remains with garlic butter.

Gatsby - Gatsby is a character from an old book that everyone tells you is a 'classic', but upon reading it you discover that it is a horrying example of snooty, high-brow, stodgy writing that nobody ever 'really' enjoys.  Avoid this book at all costs as it will make your eyes bleed.  Try reading The Shining; now that's a classic.

Ghoul - A ghoul is a bit like a zombie, except less dumb.  You can tell a ghoul by the pale, rotting skin, and an obsession with cheese doritoes.  If you are unsure whether or not a person is a ghoul, offer them a tube of pringles.  If they decline and moan the word 'Doooriiiitooooes!' they are most definately a member of the undead.

Germany - Home to nazi-zombies, nazi-vampires, nazi-werewolves, and nazi-demons.  Also: Pork Snitzel and Pumpernickel.

Garfield - All cats are evil!  Even lazy, talking ones...ESPECIALLY lazy, talking ones.

Grand Canyon - A big hole in the ground.  Avoid falling in!

Great Lakes - Several big puddles in the ground.  Avoid falling in.

Great Pyramids - Giant skateboard ramp.  Get gnarly!

Great Britain - Not so great!  But did give us Giles from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  Win!

Great Gatsby - See above.

Great Kahli - Seriously!

Guest - If you are a guest at a dinner party, you may die.  Especially if the host is mysterious and not someone you know.

Germs - Germs were created by God to turn us all into zombies, but as long as they keep giving us alcohol rub at the airport we will all be okay.  Germs can also make you poo lots, which can be fun or painful depending on how much you enjoy pooing.

Greg Pitt - Lesser-known brother of Brad and a member of the New World Order, the clandestine organisation that secretly runs the world.  How else did you think Brad got so famous?  His acting?  Pah!

Gun - Good at killing zombies and makes you look cool, but you risk attracting both NRA members and anti-gun lobbyists; both groups are annoying.  Thankfully though you can shoot them both dead because you have a gun.

Gangsters - Sometimes gangsters find their way into a horror film.  They take this opportunity to stop being reprehensible criminals and instead become anti-heroes.  See George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn.

Gas - If you smell gas, three things are possible.  1. There is a leak and the building is about to blow up.  2. You are being poisoned.  3. Someone just cut a disgusting fart.  All three things mean certain death (except for the third one).

God - I'm not even going there!

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

F

Fat - Fat people are very slow.  If you surround yourself with fat people you will have a far better chance of outrunning a killer or some zombies.  You'll just have to put up with the body odours and the fact that they will keep complaining about the emergency rationing that you have had to put into place.

Fantasy - In a horror movie, if you fantasize about something that is too good to be true - IT IS!  You will eventually snap out of your daydreams of love and happiness to find that you are indeed still stuck in that hole underground and nobody is coming to help you.  See The Descent for example.

Fangs - Avril Lavigne has fangs.  Does this mean that she is a vampire?  Probably, but there is also a chance that she is a werewolf.  Regardless, people with fangs want to bite you, so stay away from them; Avril Lavigne included.

Final Fantasy 7 - Look out for that crazy giant snake in the desert part of the map!  You will need a chocobo to get passed, or a Celine Dion CD.  Crazy giant snakes hate Celine Dion!

Feast - A feast will consist of your sister for starters, your best friend for main course, and YOU for dessert.  Never agree to a feast with anyone in a horror movie!

Fan - If you are lucky enough to be famous during a horror movie situation then you should avoid anyone that puports to be your 'greatest fan' like the plague.  While these people will at first seem normal, and even likeable, they will slowly degenerate into twisted, bi-polar maniacs that will stalk you relentlessly until you are forced to strangle them to death with a pair of your own underwear that they stole.

Finland - Finland has Trolls and snow.  Both of these things are bad.

Freddie Kruegar - Despite some problems in his past, Freddie Kruegar is now doing very well.  He is happily married to his high school sweetheart and holds a junior executive position at Microsoft.  He does not have children.

French - French people do not make good allies in a horror movie.  They will either give you up to the killer or run away never to be seen again.  Another likely scenario is that they will get themselves captured, leaving you having to save them.  They will not thank you afterwards.

Firearms - Firearms are very good against zombies, but very bad against everything else.  A bullet won't kill Dracula.  It will just piss him off!


Frodo - Frodo Baggins is a reformed drug dealer from the Shire that went on to save the world.  His constant drug pushing prior to this led to a epidemic of severely stunted growth in his home town of Bag End.


Fender - Playing guitar in a horror movie makes you cool, so you just might live.  Conversely, playing the flute or xylophone will result in a swift and painful death for you.  The harpsicord is a grey area so feel free to try it.


Fast - Fast running is good!  Fast driving is irresponsible and in a horror movie will get you killed.  The car will crash and then, after a suitably dramatic length of time has passed, it will explode with you in it.


Flash - If you see a flash you most likely just witnessed a nulear explosion nearby.  You have three seconds to get underground before your toast!  It may also be an MIB agent wiping your mind, which is good.  Ask them to also remove that memory of when you accidentally saw your sister naked in the shower.  Also ask them to erase the knowledge that is wasn't really an accident.


Flask - Anti-heroes have silver flasks full of whiskey that they can swig from at key times - usually when they are standing against the backdrop of a ruined city or dying sunset.  Anti-heroes live though, so get a hip-flsk today!


Feisty - Feisty women make it through to the end of horror movies alive, so start learning how to be a bitch as soon as you can.


Flap Jacks -  An ideal addition to your zombie survival rations, and delicious too!  Get baking, damn it, but remember to keep them away from the 'fat' members of your group!


Friends - Friends are useful to have, but please be aware that your very bestest buddy in the whole world, that you have known all of your life, will suddenly turn out to be the killer because of some long-held irrational resentment that they have of you - like the fact you stole their favourite no. 2 pencil in kindergarten.  Your lesser-liked friends will die before you, so keep a good supply to use as kill-fodder.

The popular TV series, Friends, is absolutely full of subtle tips about how to survive a horror film or zombie apocalypse.  Watch more carefully and you will see them.  Marcel the monkey knows far more then it would first appear...

Fish - There are two types of fish.  Piranhas, that will strip the flesh from your bones if you ever dare enter water, and then there is Cod, which is delicious.  There are no other kinds of fish.


Frisky - If you get frisky, you will die.  Keep those dirty mits to yourself!



Finish - Always finish the bad guy.  They are not really dead yet - just stunned.





 

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

E

Earth - Our planet is the most desirable place to live in the entire multiverse, which is why waves of various alien species are always trying to take it from us.  It is the space version of a vacation house in Florida.

Eggs - Eggs are very very bad - especially if they are about to hatch.  To prevent the inherent danger of 'eggs' apply flamethrower as soon as possible.  If a flamethrower is not available you best get stamping!

Evil - The opposite of 'not-evil' and is the reason that all killers exist - either that or their poor upbringing.  At most local chemists you can find 'evil litmus paper' kits in order to detect the prescence of a killer.  You should hold one of the detection strips up to the person in question and ask them to breath onto its surface.  If that person then chooses instead to stab you in the eye socket, they are indeed evil and you should be very proud of yourself for identifying them.  Even if you are dead.

Engleburt Humperdink - The epitome of horror...

Ernest - Ernest may have saved christmas but he can't save you!

Echo - If you hear an echo then you are inside a cave.  Caves have bats.  Bats are Vampires.  You should leave.

Elevator - Elevators are designed to get stuck, preferably between floors so that passengers have to crawl out of small gap that could possibly slice them in half.  Other passengers in an elevator are also not what they seem: they could even turn out to be the devil, or someone that likes to cut disgusting farts in confined spaces.  Take the stairs.

Emo - Emo kids speak about death constantly so please let's just give it to them.  Let's give it to them all.

Email - Yes you really can increase the size of your penis, and that young Russian girl really could use your help.  The Internet is full of monsters trying to destroy you and email is their biggest weapon.

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

D

Dogs - When not rabid, dogs are heroic creatures that will die trying to save you towards the end of the film.

Drugs - If you do drugs then you will die.  Not because of the damage they do to your internal organs but because of the fact that a homicidal maniac can smell a junkie a mile off.  (See Taryn White in Nightmare on Elm Street 3).  The smell of marijuana is like catnip to a killer.

Dragons - Dragons are huge beasts that all talk like Shawn Connery.  They exist in deep underground caves in Wales and, if you unleash them upon the earth, you will have to get a young Christian Bale to save you.

Dagon - An evil demi-god that smells of fish. If you live near the sea then there is always a chance that you will encounter Dagon, or one of his minions. In such situations, you should reduce him to tears by explaining the current over-fishing crisis that affects many regions of the world. Together you can then join Greenpeace and fight for a better world (Or have golf balls hit at you by an angry Bruce Willis on an oil rig).

Denmark - A great place for bacon.


Darth Vader - Should you find Darth Vader wandering around in a horror movie, please direct him to the Science Fiction department.  With his large mask and helmet, he has a tendency to get lost.  Please ensure that he also takes his asthma medication.


Danny DeVito - This diminutive actor is not all that he seems.  In fact he is a secret embassador from the planet Zog.  His regular reports on humanity and its exploits will later determine our fates in the wider universe.


Demons - Ugly creatures that like to insert themselves inside little girls...Gary Glitter is a demon and can be identified by his pointed beard and prepensity for glittery pants.  Demons are also big fans of obscenity and green vomit.  It was once thought that George W. Bush jr was a demon, hellbent on destroying the earth, but it was later determined that he lacked appropriate intelligence.


Derp - See George W. Bush jr.


Derpette - See Sarah Palin


Danger Signs - In horror movies, it is a requirement that all danger signs be erected amongst large, overgrown foliage where they cannot be easily seen.  Alternatively they can be written in a foreign language.


Dinosaur - If an island is deserted for long enough, it will attract Mad Scientists that wish to populate it with prehistoric creatures.  These creatures will eat you, even if you manage to hide in a poorly-built toilet cubicle.  You can spot the prescence of Dinosaurs by huge mounds of poo or by anyone that claims to be a paleontologist.


Dracula - Like all foreigners, Dracula likes to take our women.  Whether he will later  move on to take our jobs is unknown.  If you encounter a man with a slick-backed hairdo from the 20s, then you my be in danger of a vampire attack.  If said man lives in a large Romanian Castle then you can be sure of it.  One has to wonder if the undead have to pay property taxes.


Dinner - Never agree to eat dinner at the home of strangers, especially if they live in the middle of nowhere.  There is every chance that you will be eating the remains of your friend that mysteriously went missing earlier on.


Dead Body - Never lean close to a dead body.  If it is a zombie, it will bite you.  If it's not then it will just smell really bad.


Diamond Mines - If Tim Curry approaches you to help him find the lost city of Zinj then you should walk away slowly before turning to run whilst shouting 'Congo sucked, you were better in IT.


Deserts - Deserts are not happy places.  They are home to inbred pychopaths, Nuclear testing sites, and many episodes of The X Files.  Plus getting sand in your underwear sucks more than anything.  After an hour alone in the desert you will be praying for something to come and stab you to death.


Daniel Larusso - There are many situations in which the Karate Kid would be useful, but in a horror film scenario, a flimsy Crane Kick just isn't gonna cut it!  Mr Miyagi on the other hand...

 
Devil - The Devil is in the details, so avoid instruction manuals at all costs.

Deadites - Freaky-ass zombie/demon hybrids that live in the woods.  You can either hire out Bruce Campbell for the day to deal with them, or alternatively attach a chainsaw to your left hand whilst holding a book of witty one-liners in your other.

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

C

Cannon - A cannon would be an ideal weapon in a horror movie situation if your target was to remain still and in front of you.  If you come up against a somewhat less co-operative killer then a cannon is perhaps not your best option.

Cars - Cars are great for going on the run or occasionally for mowing down masked pychopaths and other two legged monsters.  There is a chance however that the car itself is the monster, possessed by an evil entity intent on killing you...so check the vehicle's history before getting behind the wheel.

Chains - If your boyfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, RUN!  If your girlfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, she's a keeper!

Cellar - See above.

Crystals - Multi-coloured crystals are very pretty, but pretty much useless unless you have a new-age witch on hand; so if you find crystals just ignore them, or find yourself a new-age witch!

Carrier - A carrier is someone that is infected with a disease (usually zombie flu) and they can be identified by sweating, coughing, and a pasty complexion.  They usually spend half the film trying to hide a nasty, infected wound from the rest of the group, before finally going batshit crazy and trying to eat people.  To prevent this, everyone in your group of survivors should be naked at all times.  Sexy Parties are optional.

Cabin - If you go to a cabin there is a good chance you will die!  On the other hand they make great venues for a relaxing weekend vacation, so the risk may be worth it.  Just check the nearby area for ancient buriel plots first.  And take enough bed linen, you don't want to get a chill.

Canada - Canadiens have banned all violence, and even rudeness of any kind, so a horror movie situation is unlikely to occur there.  If possible we should all relocate to Canada and spend our retirement watching back-to-back episodes of 'Due South'.

Castle - If you get invited to stay the night at an old, rundown castle then you should respectfully decline.  Likewise, if a distant relative dies and leaves you a property in their will then you should sell it on immediately.  If however you have the means to build your own castle then this would be a wonderful asset during a zombie apocalypse.  A well-dug moat could keep you safe for years.

Colt - Whether a horse or a gun, a Colt is useful to have.  Just make sure you know which one you have.  A horse will not appreciate you trying to loads bullets into it and a gun will not be happy being kept in a stable.

Chocolate - A little known fact is that the accomplished spree killer, Michael Myers, is a fanatic for chocolate.  In fact he will happily spare you for a Cadbury Cream Egg or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.  Bear that in mind when Halloween 36 hits the cinemas later this year.

Cats - A 'black' cat = Evil!  Other types of cats = Evil.  All cats are Evil!

Cricket Bat - The modern and fashionable way to cave zombie's heads in.  If you go to war with anything else then you are just not cool, sir.

Christmas Carols - If you turn up at my door singing 'Old King Wenceslas' then I will kill you!

Corporations - Corporations create monsters, mutants, deadly viruses, and Coke Cola.  All of these things are evil.  If you work nine to five for a large multi-facted business then you may be contributing to our eventual extinction.  How could you!

Christianity - Christians are great when coming up against the devil.  They will give you time to run away while they attempt to teach Lucifer the error of his ways.  The bible can also be used effectively as a bludgeoning weapon, or you can use it to stand on and reach high places.

Coven - A coven is a social club for broody lesbians.  If you are stuck in a horror movie and need help, you can ask a coven to provide a backing soundtrack for you.  They will happily chant incantations while you take it to the bad guy.  This won't really provide you with much assistance, but will at least set the right atmosphere.

City - A city is a breeding ground for serial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults.  Move to the countryside now!

Countryside - The countryside is a breeding ground for seial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults.  Move to the city now!

A - Z of Surviving a Horror Movie

B

Boats - Boats will not save you.  In the event of a zombie attack for instance, escaping by boat will only lead you to a seemingly deserted island that will in fact turn out to be teeming with the undead.  Boats are also prone to attacks from both sharks and giant squid (and in rarer instances, the dark lord Cthulhu).  Row boats are the most dangerous of all and will often result in you being pulled under the water by the spirits of drowned children.

Bandits - Bandits exist in all horror apocolypses and are dirty, stupid people that enjoy raping above all else.  They seem to have no comprehension that the human race is dwindling and go about killing innocent people instead of working together to improve things for all.

Bats - Bats are either Vampires in disguise or carriers of disease.  Get a baseball bat and clobber them out of the air!

Babies - In a horror film, there is a chance that a baby will be evil and care should be taken not to climb ladders around them or stray near third-floor windows.  In other scenarios, an unborn baby may be the future saviour of humanity and care should be taken to keep these types of fetuses safe.

Billy Crystal - Unkown to him, Billy Crystal is a descendant of a line of ancient shamen.  In the event of severe supernatural threats, you should seek out this talented actor and convince him to unleash the powerful white magic that has always existed inside of him.  Billy Crystal could save us all!

Bomb - A bomb can be used to wipe out aliens, monsters, and assorted critters.  For instance, sticks of dynamite can be tied to remote controlled cars and used to attract and destroy giant underground worms.

Biscuits - Biscuits can't help you.  They do, however, go great with a cup of tea.  Yum!

Bandana - A bandana will instantly make you an expert in all firearms and survival techniques.  This piece of clothing is a must if you hope to survive.

Bed - Hiding under a bed whilst being stalked by a killer is a bad idea; although the matress can be stripped and thrown from an upstairs window, allowing you to jump out and use it as a crash mat.

Birds - These winged rodents have a tendency to swarm in a flurry of bad special effects.  They like to peck at their victim's eyes, so sunglasses are a wise investment.  A group of circling birds however can indicate the presence of a corpse, so in a zombie apocalypse they can be very useful to look out for.

Black Guy - Typically the first to die, so get away from him, or alternatively keep him near to act as a kill-buffer.

Bars - Before entering a bar, please ensure that it is Vampire-free.  This can be achieved by cuttng your hand and seeing if any of the other patrons begin to drool over your blood.  Alternatively, you could just visit the bar during daylight hours.

Boxing - Any attempt to 'box' a serial killer will end badly.  After taking several blows and staggering backwards, the killer will enevitably shake off the attack and kill you.  See Nightmare on Elm Street 3 or Friday the 13th 8 for examples.

Be right back - Never say this!

Beer - Beer make man strong.

Brogues - A sensible pair of shoes is vital in all horror scenarious.  Invest in your feet today and they will pay you back later.

Budgets - Budgets are used by Governments and are usually the reason that huge threats get ignored.  The bottom line is more important than properly investigating a little virus outbreak in Chicago.